


The Challenges We're Facing

by oncetherelivedaboy



Series: On A Strangers Doorstep [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Journalist and soon to be published author Alex, M/M, Studying to be Trauma Nurse John, Technically Mpreg, Trans Alex, Trans Character, but not bullshit mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-06-10 03:38:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6938197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncetherelivedaboy/pseuds/oncetherelivedaboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to On A Stranger's Doorstep </p><p>“Alex, babe, are you home?” He started up towards their bedroom, hearing water running from the adjacent bathroom as he entered and knocked lightly on the bathroom door. “Alex?” There was the sound of something clattering to the floor and a rustling before the door jerked open and Alex stood there. His complexion paler than usual, and his hair loose.<br/>“John, hi, I didn’t think you’d be back until later.” He went on his tip toes, pressing a kiss to John’s cheek and pushing his way past, a plastic bag tied tightly and crushed in his grip.</p><p>(previously titled Surprises!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I highly recommend you read the story that this stems from before reading this, which is On A Strangers Doorstep, and here is a link so you can find it easily http://archiveofourown.org/works/6137260/chapters/14063953

“Alex?” John called as he headed into the townhouse, it was bigger than both of their previous dwellings, and they’d moved in officially after getting married. His last class had been cancelled because of a sick teacher, and he knew Frances had the next two days off for teacher institute days. He’d called Washington, Alex’s agent, after Alex hadn’t picked up, remembering they had a meeting scheduled for the afternoon but Washington had said Alex rescheduled to next week. “Alex, babe, are you home?” He started up towards their bedroom, hearing water running from the adjacent bathroom as he entered and knocked lightly on the bathroom door. “Alex?” There was the sound of something clattering to the floor and a rustling before the door jerked open and Alex stood there. His complexion paler than usual, and his hair loose. 

“John, hi, I didn’t think you’d be back until later.” He went on his tip toes, pressing a kiss to John’s cheek and pushing his way past, a plastic bag tied tightly and crushed in his grip. 

“Afternoon class got cancelled, I thought you had a meeting with Washington?” He follows him as he makes his way to the kitchen, dropping the bag into the larger trash can near the door. Alex shrugs

“Wasn’t feeling that good, I puked this morning.” John wraps his arms gently around Alex’s stomach. 

“You want to make you some soup?” Alex nods. “Alright.” He kisses his forehead and guides Alex to a chair so that he can sit down. “How was Frances this morning?” 

“Fine.” The answer is generic, simple, he’s not really paying attention to what John is saying, but he doesn’t mention it, just fished the canned soup out of the cabinet.

It’s a fairly spacious kitchen, nothing like John’s old apartment where it was cramped and the refrigerator had taken up over half the space. The townhouse has 3 stories as well as a basement garage that they don't use for anything but their bikes. The main floor has their living room and kitchen, the kitchen big enough to also be the dining room and a dark wood table sits in there. The living room has a soft brown couch with about 3 too many throw pillows, all picked out by Frances so they are all brightly colored and a few are fuzzy. The second floor has two bedrooms and a bathroom, one became Frances bedroom and the other turned into study, a quiet space for Alex to work especially with his book on a fast track to publishers, and for John when his classes demanded a more rigorous night of studying. The third floor is a loft, looking over the living room, they’d converted it into a bedroom for John and Alex, hung curtains in front of the railings that looked over the living room so that they had some level of privacy, and there was an adjoining bathroom to the loft, John’s favorite feature was the large tub that he and Alex soaked in after long days after Frances had gone to sleep. 

The soup doesn’t take long to make, but he makes some them both a grilled cheese before setting the plates and bowls down on the table and sitting across from him. His phone buzzes on the counter before he can actually start eating and he picks it up as Alex dips the corner of his sandwich into the broth. They eat quietly, Alex picking at the food more than anything, and glances at his phone after they’re finished.

“School gets out in a half hour. I’ve got to go get Frances.”

* * *

 

Alex isn’t really sure what to do. He’d gotten up this morning on his own, John left for class earlier that Frances’ began, and a wave of nauseous had hit him the minute his foot hit the ground. Frances came in shortly after he’d managed to get his bearings and clean himself up. It never took long to get her ready for school, John laid out clothes for her the night before and she got dressed on her own just fine, brushed her teeth and had even mastered simple braids for her hair. She danced around Alex in the kitchen as he made coffee, swallowed his anti-anxiety medication and packed her lunch, and she waited for her toaster waffles to pop, getting out a plate as well as syrup and cream cheese. It had been a rush to get to school this morning though so he hadn’t much time to really think it over, until the walk back.

It was then that the fear factor had kicked in. He wasn’t on T, and his period had skipped over last month and he was already a week late for this month, he hadn’t thought much of it until now because he’d always had light periods, it wasn’t strange for him to skip over one every once in awhile but he was kidding himself if he missed two in a row, he wasn’t that lucky by chance. He and John hadn’t….but they had, and he felt sick again when he remembered a little over 2 months ago when they’d found the box in the drawer empty.

“We’re out.” John had said, and Alex hadn’t moved from where he was sucking marks onto John’s shoulders.

“It’s fine, just be careful, we both got tested last month and everything came back negative.”

“Are you sure?” John had asked and Alex had pulled away slightly. 

“I don’t mind, so long as we’re careful and you’re comfortable with it.” John had nodded and the conversation had ended with Alex kissing him again. They hadn’t thought much of it, they were extremely careful, John had made sure they were and Alex had as well, the next evening John had picked up a new box on his way home from class and the whole incident had been put out of their minds, maybe it shouldn’t have though. 

On the walk back he stopped at the convenience store. His hands shaking as he took the box off the shelf.

“Girlfriend?” The cashier had asked with a snide grin on his face as he scanned the item. Alex hadn’t replied, just slid the debit card and left, hands still shaking when he left. It was a short walk home. He read the instructions, did as it told him and set the timer. He waited, and waited and waited and the three minutes felt like forever when the timer finally went off he looked immediately, the pink + staring back at him. He wanted to be sick again, his heart is pounding to hard and too fast, he wraps the test in toilet paper, drops it in the garbage and takes a deep calming breath, there are false positives, he’ll go get another one, make sure not to panic until he’s certain. So he does that, the same cashier at the store with an even bigger grin on his face and Alex is half inclined to punch him when he says “Didn’t like the results of the first one, ey?” but just leaves quietly again. 

He calls Washington on the way back, cancels the meeting and tells him he’s not feeling well. He really isn’t, and he knows that he won’t be able to focus on the meeting either way, so he just cancels and they reschedule for later in the week. The walk back is hurried after he hangs up and it’s past one when he finally gets up the courage to take the other test. He does, he rereads the instructions, just to be sure, and then goes through with it. Setting the timer and taking a seat on the back of the toilet. The timer rings, he squeezes his eyes shut and moves so that he’ll be able to see it, he opens one eye slightly. The result is the same, and he grabs it in disgust and hurls it into the trashcan, regretting it instantly when he feels the moisture, he flips on the sink and washed his hands, can feel the panic really start to set in then. There’s a knock on the door.

“Alex?” He knocks the box off of the counter with his elbow. John can’t know, not yet, Alex has barely registered it happening yet. So he rushes to quickly dispose of the evidence and ties the bag shut clutching it tightly in his shaking hands before opening the door and trying to put on the most convincing emotional mask he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO EXCITED TO BE WRITING FOR THIS VERSE AGAIN!! Inspiration struck late last night, or early this morning right before I fell asleep and I didn't get up till noon and then I had to do yard work but holy crap am I excited to write this. One more thing, nothing is set in stone yet, Alex may or may not be pregnant, I have a couple of possible outomces of this going in either direction at the moment and I have not yet decided everything.  
> Also, this is kind of spite writing because someone sent me a link to an mpreg fic a few weeks ago but it was set in this weird fucking thing where this cis male was like experimented on or some shit and that's why he got pregnant but like everything else was normal in the world and I was kind of just like 'wtf, just make the characters trans,' and then I went on a really long rant about things to the friend who sent me the ting and I was very bitter because WTF seriously! People are willing to make up this whole universe where select cis males can do that whole thing, but like we live in a world where that can happen because trans people exist and me as someone who was dfab but now goes by he/him or neutral pronouns, it just makes me hella bitter and want to fight someone, because it feels like everyone is looking over this whole group of people and just urghhhh, ok rant over, for now.  
> Comments are my life blood and are always hella appreciated, and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have any requests or just want to talk.


	2. Chapter 2

Frances skips down the steps towards John when he gets there and takes his hand when stretches it out to her.

“You got everything?” He asks and she nods as they start the walk back home, rain has started to fall and he contemplates catching a cab but it doesn’t seem to bother Frances as she sticks her tongue out to catch droplets, it's not a downpour, just a gentle drizzle.

“I thought  Père was picking me up.” She says after a moment.

“Alex wasn’t feeling good earlier, and my classes got cancelled for the afternoon.”

“Like mine?”

“Exactly like yours.” She swings her arm forward and backwards.

“What’s wrong with Père?” 

“I think it’s just a stomach bug.”

“He was puking this morning, but he didn’t tell me.” She huffs. “Daddy, is Alex pregnant?” It stops John in his tracks and Frances doesn’t seem to notice, just keeps walking until she realizes John’s stopped.

“Why would you ask that?” 

“Cause Rachel said when her mom was pregnant she threw up in the mornings.” Oh, that makes sense for her reasoning, she heard something at school and applied it to her life. 

“No sweetheart, I’m fairly certain Alex isn’t pregnant.” She sighs, more of a huff than a sigh actually. 

“I want a brother.” John laughs at that and she shoots him a glance as he picks her up so she doesn’t have to step in the large puddle that’s formed and she moves so that she’s on his back.

“When did you decide that?” 

“Yesterday.” Her matter of fact answer has John laughing again. 

“You’re silly.” He says, reaching up to hold her hand. “But there’s nothing wrong with that. Alex and I haven’t really talked about adopting anymore kids.”

“Why not?” 

“Well, we’ve got you.” She nuzzles into his neck. “And we love you alot, and we just never really talked about it.” 

“I think you should get a baby, they look like aliens” She says some of the strangest things sometimes and John bites back a laugh, because he doesn’t want her to think he isn’t taking her seriously, but he also doesn’t want to stay on this topic of conversation much longer, the only way they’d get a baby was if they had one, everyone who was adopting wanted a baby, and John doesn’t want to have that conversation with Alex, ever, because he can only imagine what Alex goes through just now with his dysphoria and how much that would add to it. 

“Any homework?” He asks and she nods. 

“Père!” Frances shouts when she gets home and runs to where Alex is lying on the couch, climbing on top of him and making him wince when she held herself up by pushing hard on his chest. 

“Frances, sweetheart, Alex isn’t feeling well, why don’t you get your homework done and then we can go play upstairs.” He says as he slips his shoes off and Frances slides off of Alex. 

“Sorry Père.” 

“It’s alright cherie.” He says and presses a kiss to her forehead. “Go get your homework done.” John comes over to where he’s lying and runs a hand over his forehead, there’s no fever.

“You feeling any better?” 

“A little.” 

“You want me to go run you a bath.” Alex shakes his head. 

“I think I’m just gonna try to get some sleep upstairs.” John kisses his forehead when he stands up.

“Ok, I’ll be right down here if you need me.” He climbs the stairs and when he gets upstairs he can hear the hushed voices of John and Frances from where they’re likely sitting at the kitchen table. He really doesn’t feel terrible, not physically. Mentally he feels like a truck just hit him and emotionally he could burst into tears at any second if he thinks about his situation for any length of time. So he just closes his eyes, wrapping himself tightly in the covers and curling around a pillow as he dozes off.

* * *

 

Thunderstorm warnings have been called and John packs a bag with flashlights and makes sure that both of their phones are charged in case the power goes out, he’s learned his lesson since the snowstorm that had caused him to burst into Alex’s life. He’s worried about Alex because of the storms, knows he gets anxious during them.  Alex is still napping by the time dinner and bedtime roll around so John takes care of things on his own, puts Frances to sleep at around 9:30, a bit later than her usual bedtime because of the day off tomorrow. He sorts out the somewhat messy living room and then does a thorough cleaning of the kitchen, scrubbing down the counters and loading the dishwasher. He opens the trashcan, about to take the whole thing out to the dumpster when the bag from before falls to the floor and John leans over to pick it up, about to put it back in the garbage when the feel of it sets off some kind of warning bells, he isn’t sure why he feels like he should open it, just that he should. He could always ask Alex instead of snooping around, they were married, they weren’t supposed to be sneaky unless they were surprising the other. After checking around the corner to make sure Alex wasn’t going to pop up out of nowhere he untied it and glanced at the contents. He felt the color drain from his face, felt his stomach drop more than any roller coaster could ever make it drop. Well shit, Frances had been right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters? In one night? I'm just that amazing I suppose. comments are highly appreciated and adored. Have a request? Just want to talk? oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

He stands in the kitchen for a long while, he isn’t sure how to approach this. On one hand he can tell Alex he knows, keep him from panicking about how to tell John along with everything else, and on the other hand he can wait for Alex to tell him, let him tell John in his own way. Maybe it’s not even Alex’s, maybe it's Angie or Peggy’s, though he knows he’s just lying to himself when he thinks that. He takes the garbage out, he’ll tell him in the morning, no need to wake him up tonight. 

When he gets up there Alex is fast asleep, John gets ready for bed, brushing his teeth and changing in pajamas before crawling in next to him. Alex moves easily in his sleep and when John wraps his arms around him, Alex rolls over so that he’s facing him, still sleeping as John presses a kiss to his forehead and reaches over to flip off the light on the nightstand. 

He wakes to the sound of hurried feet on the hardwood and sees the outline of Alexander push through the bathroom door. He’s up in an instant and heading down to the kitchen to get some crackers and orange juice before going back upstairs. He knocks lightly on the door before sticking his head in, Alexander is sitting on the floor, looking very pale and his resting on the side of the bowl. 

“Hey.” He says and Alex looks up at him as he steps inside, closing the door behind him. He looks like he’s about to say something but just ends up retching into the bowl again and John crouches down and pulls his hair back, rubbing his hand up and down Alex’s back as he shudders. 

“I think I’m dying.” He mumbles and John grabs a washcloth from the counter, running it under the cold water and squeezing it out before laying it across his neck. 

“Everything’s gonna be alright.” He sits up straight and John passes him the sleeve of crackers. “Do you wanna take a shower?” Alex nods and John helps him to his feet, he chews quietly on the cracker as John starts the water.  

“Last night, I um, found some stuff while I was cleaning up.” He turns to look at Alex who’s staring at the floor, a cracker halfway to his mouth. 

“They weren’t mine.” John knows he’s lying the minute the words leave his mouth, and Alex knows that John knows because he looks terrified. John’s hands are gentle when they tilt his face up to look at him. 

“Alex, it’s ok, we’re going to figure this out.” He nods and John presses a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll set up a doctor's appointment to make sure.” Alex nods again as John continues talking. “There's no need for us to get worked up about this until we know for sure.”

“I took two tests.”

“There are false readings, we’ll make sure and then we can start freaking out, ok?” Alex takes a shaky breath. “And if you are pregnant, then this is your decision, I’ll support whatever you choose but I won’t pressure for any option it’s your body, your choice.” He nods again lets John help him out of the t-shirt and sweatpants. John strips as well and the two step under the warm spray of water Alex lets him wash his hair, long fingers massaging his scalp. 

When they’re finished John wraps him in a big fuzzy towel and leads him back into the bedroom, he sits on the edge of the bed, towel wrapped around him as John got dressed. He dried Alex’s hair first and helped into a pair of loose jeans and a hoodie. 

“I’m going to call and make an appointment, why don’t you get some breakfast ok?” Alex nods, he still looks shell shocked from it all and John kisses him softly. “It’s going to be ok.” And he can see the tears on Alex’s cheeks and wraps him in his arms, Alex burying his face in John’s neck. 

“Why aren’t you mad?” 

“Alex, I would never be mad about something like this.”

“Because it’s my fault.” He mumbles and John’s a bit taken aback, and takes Alex gently by the shoulders so he can look at him in the eye.

“Alex, this isn’t your fault, if it’s anyone’s fault it's mine, I should have been more careful, ok? This is on me, not you.” He kisses his forehead again. “This is not your fault, I promise." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inserts joke about both time John has had unprotected sex his partner got pregnant* ok, that's actually not funny (kind of a coincidence but not funny)   
> Comments are wildly appreciated and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have requests.


	4. Chapter 4

The appointment is set before Frances even gets up, and set for Friday afternoon during John’s free period because Alex had asked him to come with, and while Frances is at school. They spend the morning watching movies, Alex’s head on John’s shoulder and Frances curled up in the little space between them. 

He spends most of that time thinking about everything the last 24 hours has thrown at him. John squeezes the arm around him whenever he notices that Alex is more lost in thoughts than the movie. If he’s not pregnant, he’s going back on T as soon as possible, he’d been on it for a while but had gone off it shortly before his top surgery and just hadn’t gone back on because his dysphoria had settled down quite a bit after that. If he is pregnant, he isn’t sure what he’s going to do, an abortion is always an option but Alex doesn’t think he can through with that again. Back when he’d been with Troup a lot of shitty things had happened, and Troup had done a lot of those aforementioned shitty things. One of those shitty things had been shortly after they’d moved in together and they’d both been a little too drunk and things had happened, Alex had assumed a condom had been involved until the end and he’d freaked out when he realized it hadn’t. Troup had brushed it off like nothing happened, until a few weeks later when Alex had ended up in a very similar position to the one he was in now. 

“You can’t keep it.” He’d said when Alex told him, there was no talking about it, no other options offered, just ‘get rid of the problem’, and Alex had and he had locked it in a box in the back of his mind and he didn’t want to do that again. He believed that anyone should have a right to, and he was grateful he’d been able to at the time, he could never have had a kid at that age, his career would have been tanked, he’d never be where he was now. If he went through with it, carried the pregnancy to term his dysphoria would likely skyrocket again, and afterwards he’d go back on T as well, no matter what he was going back on T. 

“John?” He asked after Frances had abandoned the movie to go play with her toys. “If I am…” He didn’t want to say it aloud, not yet. “I have no idea how to take care of a baby, what if I fuck it up, what if…” 

“Alex, if you’re worried about what would happen after they’re born, I feel the need to remind you that I did infact raise Frances, since she was 2 weeks old, on my own, so that area of this shouldn’t be the thing to worry about.” Alex nods, sometimes it slips his mind that John had been a single parent for quite a while and had at one point in time been a distraught 20 year old who was trying to take care of a baby in his old apartment with a job that just barely got them by. “What would you do?” Alex asks. “If you were in my position.” He thinks for a while and then sighs. 

“I really have no idea.”

“Ok, what about this one, do you want another kid?” 

“Yes, of course, but Alex, I love you and I want you to feel safe and comfortable with who you are. I don’t want you to sacrifice your mental health if this isn’t something you want to go through with it.” 

“I want to, but how are people going to see me, how will they be able to see me as a guy.”

“You already work from home, we could get Eliza to pick Frances up from school on days you aren’t feeling up for it.”

“I’d become a hermit.” Alex says, laughing a little bit. “If I am, and if I go through with it, you have to promise to stay and put up with all the shit I put you through.” He says more in a joke than an accusation.

“Of course, I put with all your shit already.” John says, laughing a bit and leaning down to kiss Alex on the mouth. 

“You know you love me.” Alex says against his mouth during a break in the kiss. 

“That I do.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to end this chapter on a happy note. Comments are my favorite and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have a request, question or just want to chat.


	5. Chapter 5

Thursday is another day spent with Frances dancing around the apartment, except that John has his own classes and Alex spends the afternoon sitting with Frances in her bedroom as she had him do the voices for her prince toys. The morning had been much like the last few, but John had been there with crackers and juice, and then they’d taken a quick shower together because Alex felt gross. Friday morning though, John had left before Alex had even gotten up, he spent a good 15 minutes retching his guts out and found a note on the bathroom counter as he rinsed out his mouth in the sink along with the half empty sleeve of crackers. 

_ Should be back around 11, I love you. _

_ John  _

As with most mornings Frances was mostly self-reliant about getting dressed and brushing her teeth. When he noticed a stray hair from her braid he tucked it back in and pinned it tight as she ate breakfast and Alex sipped at a cup of tea.The walk was cooler, and though the city still smelled like rain there was hardly any humidity. 

“Bye Père.” She said as she let go of his hand to walk into the building, he waved to her as she pulled the door open and she waved back before disappearing inside.

* * *

 

It felt like he’d been waiting all day, first he’d waited at home for John to get back, to anxious to write and the house was already clean so there was no need for that. So he sat, and he waited and he texted Angie, making sure to keep the current situation under wraps, no need to bring it up to anyone who didn’t know until they were certain and even then he wasn’t sure who they would tell just because he didn’t want people popping in unexpectedly, and generally Peggy and Angie had mostly stopped breaking in without warning after he’d moved, there had been one incident when they’d found Peggy with a black eye and bloody nose lounging on their couch while pressing an ice pack to a large bruise on her ribs. 

“Don’t tell Ange.” She’d said when Alex had come home from taking Frances to school. 

“You’re face will tell her enough next time she sees you.” He’d said as he went to fetch a washcloth and something to plug her nose with. Other than that, the two had seemed to grow some manners and learn that it wasn’t socially acceptable for them to just appear in the living room or raid the kitchen of someone else’s home when they weren’t there or were unaware of them being there. No, now, they texted before materializing in their living room with a box of cereal poured unceremoniously onto the coffee table, because they obviously couldn’t do that at their own apartment. Frances loved them both though and Peggy absolutely adored the little girl, so neither John nor Alex really complained about them too much. 

After waiting around at home for almost 3 hours John had gotten there, kissed his temple and told him he had to drink a few glasses of water before the appointment because, according to the woman what John had talked to on the phone a partially full bladder helped with imaging, so Alex had begrudgingly obliged. The office they were going to was not within walking distance so they ended up taking the subway and walked the last 2 blocks before reaching the building. He hadn’t paid attention as John got the paperwork and checked them in, no he was much more concerned with the fact that the waiting room was almost all women, a select few men who were with them, quite obviously their husbands, who were staring at the both of them, a fact that John had not seemed to register quite yet as the woman passed him a pen a clipboard. Alex was grateful when they sat down and the distraction of paperwork prevented him from noticing the women, some of whom were now  whispering to their husbands, and instead made him focus on trying to remember his insurance policy number. John had wrapped an arm firmly around him and  Alex knew he meant well, but at this moment he desperately wanted to push it off and just tell him to stop, that he was making it worse by trying. He took the clipboard up to the desk when he’d finished and so the waiting began again. 

“Hamilton.” 30 minutes in the uncomfortable ‘stare at Alex more’ waiting room ended with his last name echoing off the walls, and a slight bitterness that the nurse had neglected to say the full last name, taking John’s hand as he followed her back to one of the exam rooms. It was a cushioned table, and the nurse watched him carefully as he lay back. She glanced at the clipboard in her arms. 

“Mrs. Hamil…”

“I’m going to stop you right there.” He said, sitting back up. “I am a man, and I request that you do not refer to me in any way shape or form as a woman. Yes, I have a vagina and ovaries and that other stuff traditionally associated with being a woman, but I am not, and that is all I have to say on the subject.” He lay back down, and John was sitting next to him, a chair pulled up and Alexander reached down to take his hand. The nurse looks pissed but Alex honestly couldn’t care less.

“I was just going to tell you that the doctor would be here shortly.” She says with a huff before leaving. 

“I quite like assertive Alex.” 

“When have I not been assertive.”

“I guess that’s why I love you.”

“Stop trying to be cheesy.” He says, realizing that John’s been like this more that last two days, overly complimenting, like the days after they get in a fight. “I’m not mad at you.” He says, turning towards him.

“I didn’t think you were.” John says, quickly deflecting.

“You’re only this cheesy when you think I’m mad at you, and I’m not.” He sighs. “I just really have to fucking pee because of this stupid ultrasound and yes, I’m a little anxious about this whole thing.” He doesn’t say that he already knows, that he googled the medications that can cause false readouts, that his anti-anxiety medication isn’t on the list. He’s grateful for John, grateful that his main concern is Alex, that he doesn’t care about anything more than that, excluding Frances, because she was both of their top priorities at any given time. John lifted their intertwined fingers to his lips to press a kiss to the back of Alex’s hand.

“It’s my fault you have to…”

“It’s no one’s fault. I gave my consent. I don’t blame you, I promise.” He sighs and pulls John a bit closer so that he can kiss him. 

The door opens then and the doctor mock covers her face with the paper’s she’s holding. 

“Sorry to intrude.” She says, jokingly as she takes a seat on the rolling stool and checks out the chart the nurse had left on the counter. “So,” She says, turning around to face the machine that’s on the side opposite of John and in front of her. “As the less than cheery nurse that was assigned to you has informed me, you’re transgender?” Alex nods and she smiles. “We’ll be doing the least invasive procedures we can, but I must warn you we might have to do a transvaginal ultrasound because of how early on this is.” She must see the color drain from his face because she quickly says. “or we can schedule another abdominal one for a few weeks if we don’t detect anything.” She fiddles a few of the buttons and the machine boots up. “Can you raise your shirt for me, and you might have to unbutton your pants and lower them a bit.” He does both as she retrieves the gel and picks up the wand. 

The gel is cold when it hits his skin, but it’s only seconds later when the wand is pressed to his skin as well, the ‘wub wub wub’ sound coming from the monitor fills the room.

“And, there it is.” She says, pointing at a dark circle on the screen. “That is the gestational sac.” 

“So he is pregnant, no question?” John asks.

“Yes, he most certainly is.” She says and Alex squeezes just a bit tighter to John’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> official confirmation, well shit son. sorry for the late update today, I had to babysit this morning and afternoon. Comments are greatly appreciated, if you have any questions or just want to yell at me on a different platform my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So edits are going to be made to correct a timing error, everything previously actually takes place in the late spring and those edits should be up tonight.

January 19th, that’s the due date they give him, how they can give him a date so early on he has absolutely no idea but he doesn’t question it. They leave with a list of prenatal vitamins they were told they should pick up. Alex in a daze the whole subway ride back, John’s touches are soft and Alex just wants him to wrap him in his arms and block everything else out right now. They get home and John calls his teachers between periods, lets them know he won’t be in today. Alex is thankful that they’re understanding, that they don’t insist on John going and that they don’t pry. 

“I’ll have Eliza pick Frances up, ok?” and Alex nods as John fills up the bath tub. John’s hands slip up the shirt, pulling it over his head and he brushes Alex’s hair off his shoulder, and Alex isn’t sure why that’s what brings him to tears but it is. He starts to cry, he isn’t afraid to admit it, he straight up sobs into John’s chest and John just moves so that he’s sitting on the bathroom floor and Alex crumples down around him and tries to hold himself together but he can’t and everytime he tries to take a breath and instead it's just another fit of choked sobs, John just holds him closer, rocking him gently back and forth and saying how much he loves him, how wonderful and great and perfect he is and kisses his face and hands and wipes at the tears that just keep falling. 

“How am I going to do this, John, I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”

“You don’t have to, I’m here for any decision you make. I promise.”

“I can’t do that, not again, I can’t, I can’t do that again.”

“Again? Alex, this isn’t the first time? If you had told me…”

“Wasn’t with you, when I was with Troup. Didn’t have a choice, not really.” John kissed his forehead, he must sound like an idiot, every few words punctuated by a sob but John doesn’t shush him, even when as he rambles on. Sometimes he needs John to shush him, to kiss his mouth and keep every bad scenario from spilling out, but this has been locked up for years and he’s grateful when John just lets him go on, until there’s nothing left for him to say and it’s just the sound of his broken sobs and running water that fill the bathroom. 

“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want.”

“I know.” And that's the end of it, Alex takes a few deep breathes until his breathing evens out and wipes away his own tears. “I’m alright, I’m alright.” He says when John gives a sympathetic look. “Take a bath with me?” John nods and stands before pulling Alex to his feet.

* * *

 

John removes himself from the tangle of limbs that is his sleeping husband, John had made him eat something before letting him curl up around him in bed until he’d fallen asleep. John would have loved to stay like that for the rest of the night but he heard the door open, signalling that Eliza and Frances were back. He kisses Alex’s forehead before heading downstairs to meet them. 

“Thank you, Eliza.” He says as Frances runs towards him and he crouches down so that she can wrap her arms around his neck.

“It’s no problem, do you need me at all next week?” 

“Alex has a meeting with Washington on Tuesday.” 

“Alright, I’ll see you Tuesday Frances.” 

“Bye Miss Sky.” She says, turning from John to her to wave. 

“Tell Alex I hope he’s feeling better, and you ought to hear Frances theory, it’s quite silly.” 

“It’s not silly.” She retorts, and turns to John. “I think Alex is gonna have a baby.” Eliza chuckles and John gives a mock smile, trying to hide anything other than faux amusement from his face. 

“Quite an imagination on her. I’ll see you later John.” And with that she’s out the door and Frances runs her finger over the bridge of his nose and across his cheeks before poking his nose. He widens his eyes in shock, playing along, and she grins.

“What was that for?” She continues poking lightly at his face, mostly on his forehead.

“You have a lot of dots on your face daddy.” 

“They’re called freckles, and you have them to.”

“Really!” He runs a finger from cheekbone to cheekbone, over the bridge of her nose and then up across her forehead as well. 

“Yup, just like me.” He’s grateful for the topic change away from Alex. “Did you have dinner with Eliza?” She shakes her head. “Well, what you like for dinner?”

“Pasta and chicken nuggets.”

“And the vegetable?”

“Green beans.” 

“You get your homework done?” She nods this time. “You want to color in the kitchen while I make you some pasta.” 

“Yeah.” She says, already heading towards the stairs to go get her coloring books, but stops when she reaches the step. “Can I sleep with you and Père tonight?”

“Nightmare last night?” She nods. “Alright, that’s fine, but you can’t go up there until bedtime, because Alex is asleep right now.” She hurries up to her room and is back downstairs as John fills up a pot with water. 

By the time Frances finishes eating John has cleaned the kitchen and they still have a bit of time before her weekend bedtime, so Frances just stays at the table and colors. It’s her favorite activity, or at least John assumes it is because she spends most of her time coloring, even at school, the teachers tell him she colors more than she plays with the other kids. She’s social, she talks to everyone, but she just prefers her coloring books to most things, she has toys, enjoys playing with her dolls with Alex because she likes when he does the voices, and her stuffed animals lack no life in her eyes because she makes him kiss them goodnight while he tucks her in at night. He hopes she’ll take on regular art as she gets older, he used to be a decent artist in high school but he hasn’t done more than a doodle in years, but he hopes she’ll be able to pursue whatever she loves from the beginning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Went to the beach earlier with my sister, I am very much sunburnt and still very shaky from the drive (I hate driving with a passion, it makes me want to cry). Hope all of your summer breaks are good so far, I've been out for a week now and it's mostly just been me in front of a computer, writing, art stuff or babysitting.   
> Comments are lovely and I love them! If you have a request or you just want to send me memes my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

By Sunday, the shock of it has mostly worn off, and Alex feels much better emotionally, John had spent most of Saturday listening to him ramble on about nursery furniture as he scrolled through Amazon. John’s completely onboard with the idea, practically giddy with the idea of a baby. They decide they’ll tell Frances over breakfast on Sunday.

“I knew it!” Frances shouts from her seat. Alex laughs, but John stays serious.

“Frances, sweetheart, you can’t tell anyone else.”

“Why not?”

“Because it makes Alex uncomfortable, ok?” 

“I won’t say anything Père.” She climbs off her seat and goes over to Alex climbs on his lap. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” She hugs him around the neck and then climbs off the chair and pats his still mostly flat stomach with one hand. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

“We don’t know yet, it’s too early to tell.” She starts to head back to her seat. 

“I thought only girls could have babies.” This was the conversation John had been hoping to avoid with her, he has no idea to explain this to her now, she has no idea why 'boys' and 'girls' differ. “Is Alex a girl?” The fork slips from John’s grip and clatters against the plate. Alex doesn’t seem phased by it, while just two days ago he’d practically shouted at a nurse. 

“No, Alex is a man. He’s, he’s…” John has no idea how to continue on, tripping over words until Alex holds his hand out gently, signalling him to stop. 

“I used to think I was a girl, pretty much everyone thought I was a girl when I was little. When I was born they just slapped that label on because that’s just how some people are, but as I got older I realized that I wasn’t, that I’m actually a boy. Does that make sense?” She nods. 

“So people used to think you were a girl but they were wrong and you were a boy.” Alex nods.

“Yes.” She grins, clearly pleased with herself. 

“So you were like a spy. No one knew who you were.” Alex laughs, a gentle soft laugh that makes John want to kiss him right there. 

“Exactly like a spy.” 

The day continues on without a hitch, Alex catches up on some articles and ends up editing a few chapters before emailing them to Washington to look over. Frances spends most of the afternoon sitting on his lap and asking questions. 

“Am I going to have to give up my room?” 

“No, we’ll put the crib in our room for the first year or so that they’re close-by.” With Frances watching as he works he’s not the most productive but he’d feel like a monster if he asked her to leave and he certainly enjoys her company, even if she keeps lifting up his shirt to poke at his stomach. 

“I’m going grocery shopping.” John says from the office doorway and crosses the room to kiss him. “Anything specific you want?” 

“No, I’ve got to call Laf about a recipe but he didn’t pick up earlier. If he calls while you’re gone I’ll text you the list.”

“Can I come with?” Frances asks, climbing off his lap.

“Of course, go get your shoes on.” She takes off down the hall. “I couldn’t find the vitamin list the doctor gave us.” 

“Check the jacket I wore that day.”

“Already did.”

“And the one you wore.” He’s turned back to the word document. 

“I’m wearing it now, and no...oh.” Alex can see the expression he’s making after turning the pockets out. 

“I’ll see you later.” Alex says, turning back to kiss him again. “Be careful.”

“It’s just grocery shopping.”

“I know.” He kisses him, just once more, pulling John down so that he doesn’t have to stretch in the chair to reach him and John grins against his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but it's all happy, YAAYYYYY.


	8. Chapter 8

Lafayette doesn’t get back to him for another week, all he wants are Thomas’ goddamn macaroni and cheese recipes, he made the boxed kind Saturday night for himself with little luck of it even touching the craving. So, this is what cravings are like, annoying to the point that nothing else sounded good food-wise but he ate it anyway because he was hungry. So when the familiar ringtone plays, a rap artist he doesn’t know very well but Lafayette had picked out one evening when they’d all been out to dinner, Alex is quick to answer.

“Why haven’t you been answering?”

“I have been busy, is a night of drinking really this important to you.”

“I don’t want to go out drinking.”

“Then why the urgency in your tone, not excitement I suppose.” He’s lying in bed, he’d ended up crawling back under the covers after John had woken him up by accident, another race to beat the morning nausea so as not to ruin the hardwood. John had apologized profusely but Alex had waved him off and gladly accepted the toast he brought up after he’d gotten back in bed, too early to get Frances up yet as he kissed his forehead and headed out to his early bird classes.

“You still have that binder full of recipes you stole from Thomas when he kicked you out.”

“Oui, of course I do. Why?”

“Could you bring it over next time you’re free? Or send me the recipe with the breadcrumbs and peppers.”

“Alexander, what is wrong with you? What fresh hell is this that you want to eat the pasta of the usurper.”

“I don’t think you’re using that word correctly. Wouldn’t James be the usurper?”

“Don’t get technical on me Hamilton. I will not bring you the recipe book of hell, I will protect you from your own insanity.”

“Laaaffff.” He whines. “Help me out, please, I’ve been craving it all week.” Lafayette laughs into the receiver.

“You should be locked up for even saying that.” 

“Come on man, I’m pregnant, let me have the sweet relief that is mac and cheese.” Lafayette goes quiet, shit, he had not meant to say that over the phone, he hadn’t meant to say it at all. He needed to stop talking on the phone because shit he never meant to say always slipped out. 

“What did you just say?”

“Nothing.” He says it too quickly, and Lafayette barks out a laugh. 

“Hercules!” He shouts, not to Alexander.

“Laf, please, don’t, not yet, I didn’t mean….” Alex sits up in bed, pulling his knees up to his chest. He can hear the muffled conversation. 

“What!” Hercules shouts into the phone. “You’re what!”

“I’m nothing! It was a slip and I told Lafayette not to say anything.”

“So you are then.”

“Yes, yes I’m pregnant, are you happy? I just wanted mac and cheese recipes and this is what I get for reaching out to my friends.” 

“Do you…. Fuck off Lafayette, you’re the one who betrayed his trust, let me talk…” There's the sound of a muffled struggle and then the unmistakable accent is back. 

“Now, Alex, how long?”

“Put me on speaker, I don’t want to have to say all this twice.” A button is pressed and then he hears Hercules. 

“Ok, spill, I want to hear it all.”

“Firstly, you aren’t allowed to tell anyone, especially not Angie or Peggy.”

“Fine.” They both say at the same time. 

“John and I have known for two weeks.” There's an exaggerated gasp.

“How dare you, know this long without telling me, I thought I was your best friend.” 

“Laf I love you but we’ve been busy, I’m publishing a book if you’ve forgotten, and you were the one who was supposed to have French lessons with Frances and bailed.” He can almost see the dismissive wave he must give the phone. 

“How far along?’ Hercules asks.

“Almost two months.”

“Alex, holy shit. Was it on purpose?”

“No.”

“Are you…”

“I’m going to term.” He explains the rest, though there’s not much more to explain, just a few other details the two want to know. 

“So, are you going to bring the recipes?” He asks after they’ve been filled in entirely.

“I suppose, but I want to be named godfather.”

“Whatever you want, just get me the goddamn recipes, I have been dying all week.” 

He gets Frances ready for school, a routine they’ve both fallen into throughout the year and then they walk together. Alex slightly bitter without his normal caffeine fix, but he’d read somewhere that you weren’t supposed to have caffeine when you were pregnant, even if it made him slightly more irritable in the mornings, and herbal teas as well, basically every pregnancy site told him not to drink herbal teas. So instead he was drinking water or juice in the mornings now. He cast a long glance at the coffee shop on his walk home, 7 more months without coffee, he had no idea how he was going to do it.

Stepping back through the front door was an experience in and of itself, as the moment he did such he was hit with the smell of baking bread and when he had shucked off his coat and kicked off his shoes made his way to the kitchen to where Lafayette was checking whatever was in the oven while Hercules chopped up vegetables. The binder full of recipes laying open on the counter. 

“Alex!” Lafayette shouted when he saw him, grabbed him and pulled him into a hug before twirling them both around. Promptly after being set down, the bear of a man that Hercules was, was suddenly around him. He truly was a teddy bear. And then Lafayette had his hands on Alex’s stomach and, jesus christ was this going to be a thing now, was everyone just going to be touching his stomach all the time. He didn’t even look pregnant yet. “How’s my little god-daughter?”

“My child, is doing just fine and is probably the size of a goddamn pea and you can’t even tell yet. How do you know I’m not lying to you, maybe this was all just an elaborate ruse to get mac and cheese out of you.” Lafayette chuckles, and moves his hands away.

“Sorry, I forget how you are with touching. May I?” He glances back down and Alex sighs loudly.

“Fine, but I have to pee first.” He races up the stairs to his and John’s bathroom, grateful when he shuts the door and it drones out the noise of Lafayette now beginning to rap in French downstairs while Hercules protests loudly against it. 

When he’s finished he changes into sweatpants, he knows there’s little chance his waistline has even begun to change but just knowing he’s pregnant makes his jeans start to feel a little tight, even if they aren’t. Back downstairs Lafayette is immediately doting on him again, pushing him down onto the couch and then wrapping him in a blanket and fluffing pillows to put behind his back. 

“Laf, look I appreciate everything you two are doing, but I have work to do.” He finally says when Lafayette begins to play instrumentals from his phone.

“I’ll go get your laptop, no stairs for you!” He disappears up the staircase.

“Jesus Christ Laf! I’m two months pregnant not an elderly patient who will break their hip on the stairs.” He pulls out his phone, snapping a picture of Lafayette and Hercules through the doorway before shooting it to John.

_ May have let it slip to Laf on the phone and now they’ve practically got me on bed rest. _

_ -A.Hamilton-Laurens _

The macaroni and cheese is exactly what he’d been wanting and Hercules and Lafayette seem highly impressed with themselves when he finishes off a second bowl, so he can’t complain there, but he can complaing when Lafayette takes his laptop and tries to get him to take a nap.

“I have things to do Lafayette!”

“Do not shout, you will scare the baby.”

“I swear to god, either give me the laptop or so help me god I will strangle both of you!” 

“You are teaching it violence before it’s even born.”

“Lafayette, I swear!” He takes off up the stairs with the laptop, Alex chasing him. 

“Be careful on the stairs.” Ironic, considering Lafayette’s the one who trips, Hercules catching him, before he can go toppling down them and pulling the laptop out of his grasp before passing it to Alex.

“He will be fine, now, if I recall correctly you have a shift tonight and you need sleep to do that successfully.” Hercules says. “Alex is perfectly cabaple on his own, and he’ll call us if something happens, right?”

“Of course.” 

“Then we will be heading out and leaving you to your work.”

“I need to recipes.” Lafayette says and Hercules shakes his head. 

“No we don’t, you just use it as a trophy, leave Alex with the cookbook, we can get it later.” Hercules gives him a quick hug before heading out, a fuming Lafayette in tow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double updates tonight! Though I doubt there will be any update tomorrow because I am babysitting from like 5 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon *cries*, so I doubt an actual update will be able to see the light of day tomorrow, much like my hopes and dreams, because when I get home tomorrow I'm taking a shower and then taking a nap.   
> Comments are loved above all things and requests can be placed at oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

As summer vacation began, Alex’s stomach started to round out, a slight bulge in tighter shirts glaringly obvious to those who knew. If Washington noticed it during their meetings he didn’t say anything. John was absolutely ecstatic and Alex had made a few jokes about how John seemed to pay more attention to his stomach than the rest of Alex. Alex has even been subconsciously drawing attention to it, especially when he rests a hand at the bottom of his stomach.The nausea was fading, but some mornings were still terrible and ended with him retching into the toilet, but it had mostly subsided. Another ultrasound and check up had been scheduled for the next weekend, marking week 15.

Angie and Peggy didn’t know yet, or atleast if they did they were keeping quiet about it. 

“When are you going to tell them?” John asked when the conversation had been brought up.

“After I have the kid, tell them now and they’ll never leave. Angie has a perpetual case of baby fever.” That had been the end of it, both knew that it wouldn’t be long before it was glaringly obvious and that one or both of them was going to show up while he was there. 

Frances has a play date at the pool with one of her friends, Alex drops her off as her friends house that afternoon, talking to her mother and then giving her his phone number incase she needed to reach him. John’s taking summer classes over break, trying to get everything out of the way as soon as possible. The have enough to get by, pay rent and keep a stable life without even touching the emergency fund they have from Martha, and by the end of summer the first copies of his book will be on shelves, as this point he’s been ironing out the detail for 6 months, and it had taken him half that time to write three drafts. Washington has been trying to rope him into publishing deals where he promises more books, it wouldn’t be hard, but those aren’t the kinds of things he’s looking forward to. The door slips shut behind and he heads to the kitchen, lunch consists of a fruit salad that John had made that morning, a cup of yogurt and toast with peanut butter. He closes the refrigerator and Peggy is standing their, arms crossed over her chest, she blows a quick shot of air out so that a piece of hair is no longer directly in her eyeline. 

“Jesus, fuck, you nearly gave me a heart attack.” He says, and Angie rounds the corner, yogurt cup in hand and a spoon sticking out of her mouth. He moves his hand quickly from where it’s come to rest, but Angie sees.

“Awww, you’re all domesticated, no more nights going hungry because you forget to eat now that you’re married.” She pokes a little to hard for his liking. “You’re getting a little tummy, that’s adorable.” On any normal circumstance Angie pointing out his weight gain or loss would end in him speaking in paragraphs while Peggy sat in the corner laughing at Angie as she got reprimanded. He stays quiet this time, biting back the words, this is his first mistake. 

“Ok, something's up, the last time you said something like that he literally talked for an hour.” Peggy says, eyeing him suspiciously. “What are you hiding?”

“Nothing.” He chirps, but now Angie sees it too and she’s standing in the doorway, there’s no hope for escape. Angie takes a quick survey of the kitchen, she’s not a P.I. if she can’t investigate, her eyes fall on the cookbook and she scrunched her nose up. 

“Why do you have that heinous thing, I thought Lafayette stole it from his weird ass old roommate. The recipes are terrible.” He shrugs. 

“Wanted to try something new.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“What? No, why would you, why would you think that.” Angie is stepping closer. 

“So those books on the coffee table, just light reading?” He can feel the lump in his throat and then Angie is hugging him around the neck. “I’m messing with you, I’ve known for a while, Lafayette can’t keep secrets, neither can your husband for that matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“John let it slip on accident, lucky for you I’m not as bad as Herc and Laf. I heard about them showing up.” He doesn’t know why not having to tell her relieves him as much as it does, but it does and she drops down in the seat across from his at the table.

“So, what’s it like, being pregnant?” 

Angelica Schuyler Church couldn’t have children, not biologically atleast, she could adopt, or foster but she couldn’t have them, or even have a surrogate that was her baby. She’d gotten married right out of high school, hadn’t bothered much with college, her husband wasn’t rich, but he was on his way to becoming a lawyer, two years older than she was. He wanted kids, had always wanted kids, they’d been trying for over a year when they finally went to the doctor. Her body didn’t produce eggs, never had. Johnathon, her husband at the time, had screamed and yelled about how she had to, how she had a period, how he had deal with her on her period. Angie had come back to the apartment a week later, all of his stuff gone. Only it hadn’t ended there, he’d left her sure, but she was not going to let that stop her. She’d walked herself down to the courthouse that same evening, because he’d taken the car, and filed a divorce order. Somehow, someway, Alex suspected there had been a prenup in place before the wedding,  in the end she got 40% of his income at the end of each month, at this point, if she wanted, she’d never have to work again. For a while she’d worked with a big sisters program, one of the girls had been Peggy, who had stayed alongside her for 7 years now, 22 year old Angie had met 17 year old Peggy, a foster kid who hadn’t lived in the same place for more than 6 months, and their P.I. business was rough and tumble, they didn’t charge for half their jobs, those she thought were a good cause, catching a good for nothing cheater so that the wife had evidence in court, she helped one girl reunite with her sister after they’d been separated in an adoption facility. But the thing that most defined Angelica, or at least what Alex had come to realize defined her, was that she loved her sisters, both those born into her family or those she’d brought in, more than anything else in this world. She could have had a happy easy life in some suburb, content with running charity events or PTA bake sales with a new husband and 2.5 adopted kids, but she’d followed Eliza to the city, to make sure she didn’t get taken advantage of or hurt, to make sure she wasn’t all alone. She’d told him almost all of this after a particularly late night of drinking, with her head turned into his shoulder and her words slurring together, the bits she hadn’t, Alex had pieced together those on his own.

So with all that in mind, he tries not to be an asshole about the fact that he feels like everyone is constantly watching him and that Lafayette has been watching him like a goddamn hawk every time he comes over and treats him like some precious, fragile gem that had to be locked away for safekeeping, that he’s not allowed to sleep on his back and that waking up every morning feeling you’re going to puke is the worst, doesn’t want to mention that he still gets shaky around the time he used to get an afternoon cup of coffee. He also doesn’t want to paint it as some fantasy, that everyone should experience, ideally Angelica could be experiencing this right now instead of Alex and he would be perfectly content, that sometimes his stomach just feels warm, not physically just knowing what's happening makes him feel like he can feel it physically, and that he can’t put it into words how he feels every time he or someone else presses their hand to the slightly stretched skin, he still can’t feel it moving. He doesn’t tell her that in the last 2 ultrasounds they listened to the heartbeat and Alex doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything more wonderful in his life, that he wants an audio file of it so he can listen to it on his phone every time his dysphoria hits home again, with all the estrogen moving through his system making it harder to be him, making it harder for him to confirm with himself that he knows who he is, because that heartbeat brings it all to a halt, it tells him that it’s going to be ok, that by the end of it he’ll be holding a tiny baby that will cry and laugh and that he’ll be able to kiss goodnight and that they’ll grow up to be someone, with hopes and dreams and a family that already loves them, because the heartbeat makes it all worth it.

“It’s not all it’s hyped up to be.” He finally says. “It’s great, and I’m excited, but I just don’t know. If it had been planned I’d probably be more, I don’t know, optimistic about it all.” He picks at the toast, not wanting to make eye-contact. Peggy has moved so that’s perched on the counter. “It’s just a lot to process, with the book, and John taking classes full time.” Angie nods and reaches over to steal a piece of fruit.

“If you ever need anything, you’ve got two P.I.s who can definitely do grocery runs when you turn into a hermit.” Her teasing doesn’t hurt, barely annoys him most of the time, but she thinks it’s funny to rile him up, and often times getting him to shout about the latest political scandal keeps his mind off whatever is bothering him at the time. Peggy’s phone buzzes and she answers as she hops off the counter and goes around the corner, leaving Alex and Angie in near silence. A moment later she’s sticking her head back through the doorway. 

“Ange, we got a guy sitting outside the apartment, wouldn’t talk to me over the phone about the issue.” She stands.

“If you need anything, just drop us a line, alright?” Alex nods. The door closes and he’s left alone again, everyone seems to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of this was written after midnight last night because I ended up getting a last minute babysitting job that only gave me an hour after the first one had ended. Total of 16 hours babysitting yesterday *cries*. This chapter is kind of a mess, I apologize for the giant paragraphs, walls of text are intimidating I don't blame you.  
> Comments are always appreciated and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have any requests or want to yell at me for the walls of text.


	10. Chapter 10

When John gets home all the lights in the house are off, Frances lets go of his hand to go upstairs, she’d spent most of day at the park with a friend from school, Theo. Alex had needed to work, he loved Frances but she was distracting at times and he wanted to get as much as he could ironed out with the publishing company, Washington was doing his best to take care of most of it but it still came back to him at times. John shucks off his shoes and follows Frances up the stairs, knocking lightly on the office door before popping his head. Alex wasn’t there, Frances follows him this time as she climbs the rest of the stairs to their bedroom. The lights up there are off as well and he flips them off only to have Alex scatter to pull the covers over his head, groaning loudly about the light and John turns it back off seconds later before going over towards the bed, sitting down and moving the covers down a bit, Frances standing behind him, so that he can see his face. 

“You doing ok?” 

“Migraine.” John strokes his hair back out of his face. 

“Want me to get you some aspirin?” Frances climbs onto the bed, climbing under the covers next to Alex and getting close. Alex kisses her cheek before answering John. 

“No, I’m not allowed aspirin.” John regrets asking, he should have known that. 

“You get anything done with work?”

“Got the last chapters done. Need to edit the last few pages and then send it to Washington, you want to help me with that later? All you have to do is read it aloud, the screen hurts my eyes, and I’ll tell you what needs to be changed or added.” John nods. 

“I’m going to go start dinner, alright?” He nods and Frances makes no indication of moving but it doesn’t seem to bother Alex as he wraps an arm around her and she hugs him around the neck.

“I’ll be up in a bit, just a short nap.” John leans down to kiss him.

“No rush, get some rest.”

* * *

 

The side effects of growing a human being inside of your uterus are plenty, first it was the nausea and hormone fluctuations, though he supposes those will be ever present until sometime in January. Now it was the migraines and subtle backaches. Weirdly though his sex drive seemed to have returned in full force, though he really didn’t want to have sex, just kind of felt like his body did, maybe he’d tell John about it, maybe he wouldn’t. He hadn’t been in the mood for anything since they’d found out. It was more than a little obvious he was pregnant at this point. He still hadn’t felt any movement but the book they’d bought told them he’d probably start feeling weird flutters soon. He just wanted to skip to the part where they had the baby, where he was allowed to have aspirin for his wildly painful migraines and go back onto his old anxiety medication that worked successfully and didn’t do a half assed job at keeping him off the brink of panic attacks whenever someone gave him a funny look. 

He hadn’t left the house in a few days, not after a woman at the store had called him misses and touched his stomach. He hated that people seemed to think they were allowed to touch him now because of it. He was immensely glad that he’d gotten surgery before this, that he didn’t have to worry about his chest changing, they’d taken all that out in the surgery, his nipples weren’t even real, they’d been grafted on. He hasn’t allowed himself to think about if he hadn’t already had it, how he’d live a normal life, he wouldn’t have been able to bind after they’d found out, John would have bugged him about it being unhealthy. 

He ends up sleeping through dinner and wakes up to the bathroom light pouring into their bedroom, John comes out a few minutes after the water turns off. Sweatpants hung low on his hips. 

“Oh, you’re up, you want me to heat you something up, I didn’t want to wake you up earlier.” Alex nods, climbing out of bed. John wrapped an arm around his waist and kissed his temple, one hand resting gently on the top of his stomach. He didn’t mind in the least when John did it, and put his own hand over his for a moment before they both headed downstairs. 

John reheated some of the salmon and rice he’d made earlier, picking at some of the cold vegetables while Alex ate, they both knew that his habits for skipping meals was unhealthy, now more than ever, and most nights John was just glad he ate even if it was nearly midnight. 

“Are we going to find out the gender beforehand?” Alex shook his head. 

“No.” There’s no explanation, just the word. John nods and closes the container of vegetables, putting them back in the fridge.

“You can go grab my laptop now and we can go over the edits and then go to bed once we’re done.” 

“Yeah, I’ll be right back.” 

They spend a little over an hour and a half, John sitting across from him reading the last few pages of the book aloud and Alex dictating the changes. Afterwards he composes an email through John to Washington with the last 2 chapters attached before sending it and then laying his head down on the table. 

“Bed now?” John asks and Alex nods.

“I’m fucking exhausted.” John takes a deep breath, unsure of whether or not to broach the subject but the words leave his mouth anyway. 

“Alex, I hate to bring this up but a while ago you mentioned in high school you had severe depression, and you’ve been sleeping alot, and acting a bit different and I’m just worried.” Alex looks up at him.

“John, sweetheart, I’m not depressed. I’m just tired. It’s been a long last few days and also, to state the obvious, I’m pregnant.” He gets up and puts the dishes in the sink. “If I start feeling like I did then I’ll tell you, ok?” John nods and Alex takes his hand. “I’m alright, I promise.” 

“If anything is wrong you have to tell me.”

“I will.” Alex goes on his toes to reach John’s forehead, he’s already got his head tilted down a bit, and presses his lips there. “Can we go back to bed now, maybe we can get a little more than sleep done?” He winks and John laughs, kissing him on the mouth.

“You’re a dork, and I love you.” Sleep is the last thing on both of their minds by the time they reach the top of the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so this was done in less than an hour. Can we talk about the magical effects that listening to Watsky's "Moral of the Story" on repeat has on me. Like I get so much done with that song on in the background. Hope you've all had a nice week so far, mine has been hell and my weekend is also hell. Don't count on too many updates this week, I've got the ACT next Saturday and I should probably do some kind of prep for it, but likely I'll go in and wing it and then hate myself for it because I am a PoS.   
> Comments are my lifeblood and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you want to hassle me about not getting chapters out consistently.


	11. Chapter 11

Frances spends most of her days playing in the living room or in her bedroom, sometimes she’ll sit on the floor in the office while John is at class and watch Alex work, she colors quietly so it causes little distraction. She giggles when he mutter angrily under his breath, trying to piece together articles as best as he can. She also reminds him to eat, because she’ll come over and stand next to him around 12:30, wait for him to finish whatever he’s working on and then turn to her. 

“I’m hungry, what’s for lunch?”

“Well.” He’d say. “What would you like for lunch?” Sometimes they both settle for PB&J and fruit, Alex often adding a yogurt cup to his because John had told him he needed to be eating more calcium, if he didn’t the baby would pull it from his bones and that could cause issues later on. The rest of the times it’s leftovers from dinner the night before. At least twice a week, they decide on one of the weird mac and cheese from the devil’s cookbook, because the kid seems to like weird food and Alex isn’t complaining if it satisfies the cravings. He doesn’t think they’ve done a single recipe twice and Frances relishes in the times spent cooking. Alex cuts the food, deals with the stove and oven, but just about everything else Frances helps in some way. She climbs on the counter to get ingredients he can’t reach, and can’t climb to reach because of his swollen stomach, she mixes and measure ingredients. He lets her peel potatoes sometimes when they’re called for. Most of the other times they heat up leftovers from the night before. Alex orders a pizza  for them once, after a late night and a early morning and he just can’t find in him to want to bustle around the kitchen for any length of time. Alex had been the first to admit that he prefered they’re afternoon cooking sessions and Frances had agreed, trying to pull away enough to break the string cheese from the slice with little success. 

The time that Frances enjoys in the kitchen with Alex is mutual. He loves every second he gets to spend with her, with and without John around. When he’s not there he really notices the similarities in the two. Her smile just as bright, if not brighter than John’s,. The way she pulls at her hair when she’s unsure of something. She’s also inherited John’s ability of taking care of Alex, making sure he eats, reminding him to take his vitamins. She won’t let him pick her up anymore, where before he’d announced the pregnancy she leaped at every chance for a piggy back ride, he attempted it once, suggested one around the house and she’d shaken her head. Instead she’d had him help her practice her French. 

Lafayette came for French lessons with her 3 days a week during the summer and two during the school year. Lessons started at 2 and went until 4, John usually got home during the second half of the lesson, would come into the kitchen, kiss her cheek, try to say something but Lafayette would shush him.

**“Pas anglais acceptés. Revenez quand vous avez maîtrisé la langue supérieure.”** ((No English allowed . Come back when you've mastered the superior language)) John would roll his eyes, offer a dismissive wave in Lafayette’s direction and then head upstairs to Alex’s office. 

Alex normally hides out in his office when Lafayette is there because they always make a huge deal of everything, ask if he needs help with Frances, if he needs to get them groceries or make dinner. Crouches down in front of Alex and presses a hand to his stomach. Which normally Alex would mind but Lafayette must be the baby whisperer because the first time he feels a kick it’s when Lafayette is doing that. 

Alex had gone rigid, moving his hand down to where Lafayette’s was. 

“What? Alex, ami, is everything alright?” He’d mildly panicked for a moment, reaching for his phone but Alex hushed him as he switched to French. 

“I think, I think I just felt them.” Which Alex really shouldn’t have told him because he could actually see Lafayette’s ego inflate 3 sizes with those words, but at the same time he didn’t care, not at the moment. The books told them most of the time in the first pregnancy you wouldn’t be able to feel it until upwards of 25 weeks, but 22 weeks in and there it was, a kind of fluttery motion in his stomach and then like something had bumped against the inside of him, that was the only way he could describe it. 

“What’s going on?” Frances asked coming out the kitchen.

“ **Pas d'anglais** !” ((No English!)) Lafayette cried and Frances giggled before speaking again.

“ **Pardon.** **Qu'est-ce qui se passe?** ” ((Sorry, what’s going on?))

“ **Ton père a senti le bébé.** ” ((Your dad felt the baby.)His words quick and somewhat mumbled. She gave him a pointed look.

“ **Vous parlez trop vite pour elle** **.** ” ((You talk too fast for her))

**“** **Elle sera bientôt assez couramment.** **”** ((She’ll be fluent soon enough.))

“I’m never going to learn French if you don’t teach me!” 

“ **Français!”**

“Our lesson hasn’t started yet!” She shouts, huffing loudly and Lafayette chuckles to himself. 

“I suppose it hasn’t.” He stands, and heads towards the kitchen, where the books and Frances wait for him. 

When John gets home that evening Alex is in his office, starting on a last minute article, it wasn’t necessary to hit his goal for the week but the extra cash never hurt and he enjoyed his work. He could hear John talking in the kitchen, the office door was open, and then his footsteps on the stairs. John knocks lightly on the doorframe before coming up. Alex lifted his head to kiss him, but his fingers still typed away at the article. He sets a yellow notebook on the desk when he pulls away, and his hand pauses.

“What’s that for?” 

“You know the notebooks I have?” John’s got a shoebox full of green notebooks under the bed, the same kind as this one. He’ll pull it out at least once a week, and write in the top one, usually a page or two before returning it to the box. 

“Yeah.”

“I write about Frances in them, sometimes I’ll put pictures, they’re a log of her life, I’m going to give them to her when she turns 18, and we could do the same for. Maybe have you start logging about Frances too. Her’s are green, so I didn’t want to get the same color for them.” Alex nods. “It’s cheesy… and you don’t have…”

“John, that is the best idea I’ve ever heard.” He’s smiling and John’s got a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “I’ll start tonight. I felt them earlier.” John’s eyes widen as Alex saves the document and stands up with only a bit of difficulty. 

“You did!” Alex nods and kisses him softly.

“They said 25 weeks, but we’re at 22.” 

“Our little prodigy.” John jokes, tucking the notebook back under his arm and Alex takes his hand. 

“Let’s see if I can’t convince Lafayette to cook us all dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the really late and somewhat shorter chapter. ACT happened, no idea how long it will be before I get the results and I have no idea how I did on it. For the writing portion I ended up writing 4 pages, so hopefully that counts for something. I hope you all are safe, especially after the events of this weekend.   
> Comments are my favorite things in the world and if you want to yell at me for not updating my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	12. Chapter 12

Summer is coming to a close. Frances is antsy staying at home for any amount of time, and Alex feels bad that he can’t take her to the pool or park, luckily though Angie and Peggy are more than willing to take her when she doesn’t go with one of her friends from school. They still enjoy their lunches together, normally before she goes out to play. His book hits the shelves in a few weeks, and he’s been easing up on actual writing a bit, as much as he’d like to work till the crack of dawn most nights, migraines and overall fatigue make it difficult and John’s found him slumped over the desk sleeping before, the conversations that have followed are not things that Alex wants to repeat even if it does end up with the both of them curled up in bed, the worry in his voice always makes Alex feel bad. While he’s still writing articles and the pace isn’t slowing, his time spent working on solely that has diminished slightly. He has taken the time to add a few pages of text to the orange notebook as well as taping a picture of the latest ultrasound onto the inside cover.

Names were being thrown around. Lafayette offered a wide range of them, all of which were some part of his own. Frances sitting at the coffee table and coloring.

“Marie-Joseph is a fine name for any child, and if its a girl you can call her Marie.”

“We already decided it would be Angelica if it’s a girl.”

“We did no such thing.” Alex adds too little avail as it devolves into a shouting match between all of them. Peggy, surprisingly siding with Lafayette, leaving Angie on her own. They only shut up after Alex complained about a migraine starting. The doting was almost as bad as the fighting, but at least the doting didn’t involve them adding to the pounding in his skull. Lafayette practically dragged him up the stairs to the bedroom. Frances following them with Angelica and Peggy trailing behind everyone else.

“Hey Frances, you want to go to play at the park.” Angie asks, and Alex gives a silent thank you, he needs a nap but he’d feel bad if it left her bored, and he’d be terrified something would happen while he was out.

“Can I Perè?” He nods and she races down the stairs to go get her shoes. Angie and Peggy following her down and Alex can hear the giggling from the living room as they all head out the door. Leaving Alex with the insane Frenchman who was currently curled up on the bed in the spot usually reserved for John.

“You know he’s going to be pissed if his pillow smells like your terrible cologne.” He puts a hand to his chest in mock offense.

“I had no idea you thought so little of aromatic preferences.”

“I don’t mind it.” He says lying down, and facing his friend. “But I’m not sure my husband loves the idea of another man in our bed.” He rolls his eyes as Alex’s hand moves to his stomach as the fluttering starts again. “How’s work?” Alex asks on a whim and Laf shrugs.

“Fine I guess, pretty busy most nights. I’m fine on funds if that’s what you’re worried about and I’ve got that trust fund if I really need any help.” He sighs. “I’m actually thinking of buying the place, the owner’s a piece of shit, I’d keep on most of the same people, hire some better security though, that’s for sure.” He sounds exasperated, Alex doesn’t ask, he’s heard the stories before.

“Would you still be doing your thing then?”

“Yeah, I just kind of want something a little more stable, but be able to keep doing what I love. It’s fun, you know?” Alex shrugs, it’s been awhile since he’s been comfortable with how he looks, to him stripping in front of a bunch of strangers doesn’t sound like that great of a time. Laf sighs again. “Is he actually going to be mad if I fall asleep here?” Alex shakes his head.

“Good, because I really didn’t want to sleep on the couch.”

“You know you have your own apartment.”

“What do you think of me and Hercules dating?” Alex shrugged again.

“Why, you thinking of asking him out?”

“Um, well we kind of you know… a couple days ago and I’ve been crashing with Peggy and Ange or when I know he’s at work.”

“You’re a fucking mess. You two are worse than John and I.”

“No one can reach those levels of miscommunication. I just…”

“He likes you, trust me, I’ve known the guy for a long time.” Laf nods.

“We need a nap first though.”

“Agreed.” Alex adds, grabbing a pillow to put between his knees.

* * *

 

John thinks he should find it strange when he comes home and finds Alex and Lafayette asleep in the bed. Assumes that most spouses would be angry, or confused but John just laughs to himself. Leans slightly over Alex to kiss his cheek, and his eyes open slowly.

“Hey, you’re home.” He says, voice still sleepy and slightly groggy and he rolls over so that he’s facing him instead. “Angie took Frances to the park.” He says, yawning.

“You want to get up or stay in bed?” Alex moves an arm back to pat at his usual spot in invitation, only to hit Lafayette’s arm.

“I’m sorry we can’t cuddle.” He says, his bottom lip jutting out and John laughs, and moves to kiss him, Alex leaning into.

“We’ve got...” Alex leans into another kiss, cutting him off. “To get..” Another kiss. “School..” Kiss. “Supplies…” Kiss. “This weekend.” Alex nods and this kiss lasts a bit longer, both of them momentarily forgetting Lafayette and Alex lets out a soft moan, a moment later a pillow comes crashing down onto John’s head, causing both to sink into a fit of laughter at a grumbling Lafayette.

“Get a room.” He mumbles.

“We’re in our room.” Alex adds and Lafayette just grumbles again, groggy and half construed phrases in French, John is fairly certain most of them are curses. Alex is laughing at him as he tucks his head under the pillows, trying to block them out. John raises a finger to his lips as he moves to end of the bed, climbing in between the two of them, wrapping an arm around him. Alex humming contently as his hand came to rest gently on his stomach.

“Feel them at all today?” Alex nods, already dipping back into sleep as John presses a kiss to his temple. Lafayette continuing to grumble.

“If you weren’t married to my best friend I swear I would punch you right now.”

“Shut up Laf, I know you love him.” Alex says. “Now get out and go make up with Herc.” The bed shifts as Lafayette rolls off.

“You two are terrible.” He says, stretching and heading towards the door.

“You heard Alex, you love me.” John jokes and Lafayette stops, turns on his heel and comes back over, determination on his face. John is only a little bit scared as he leans down so that his face is inches from John’s and kisses him. It’s weird to say the least, especially when Laf stands back up and Alex whines.

“Not fair, I want one too.” Laf gives him a small peck and then heads out the door. John doesn’t say anything for a long while.

“I’m sorry, if we took that too far.”

“You’re still my husband, and you love me, right?” Alex nods.

“Love you the most.” He whispers.

“Promise you won’t abandon me for some crazy frenchman.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Then I don’t mind at all.” He says and Alex moves back slightly, pressing his back against John’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've got creative writing camp from the 19th to the 24th so I'm not sure if there will be an update between now and then, I will do my best but I'm likely going to be sticking more too original stories in that time span. As always comments are literally one of my favorite things ever and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have any requests or just want to chat.


	13. Chapter 13

With Frances back at school, John in his own classes and the fact that sitting hunched over in his desk chair for any amount of time makes his back hurt. Alex is left with a lot of downtime, the book’s been published. It wasn’t Harry Potter, but it was making decent money, likely the royalties of the book would pay through the advance he’d been given within about 4 months. There was a draft for a sequel he would need to start soon, the publishers had told him they’d accept a sequel if the first sold well, the book required a sequel but he refused to sign for anything more than one book at a time with a company. The meetings with Washington had mostly stopped, phone contact was kept but Alex no desire to meet with him at this point in time. He barely left the house at this point, John too Frances to school in the morning and Eliza or Angie brought her home. Eliza hadn’t asked, but eventually he’d cracked as they tried to talk and she kept glancing and he’d blurted it out in a rush of words, clearly annoyed and she had seemed confused until it had dawned on her. She didn’t dote on him like the others, it wasn’t obvious with her. She’d tidy the kitchen up, use the key to come in so as not to disturb him and get a snack ready for Frances, get her started on homework before popping in to make sure he was there and then head out. 

With the additional free time he took to reading the green notebooks, he’d asked John about it before proceeding, unsure if he’d be comfortable with Alex reading them but he’d said he didn’t mind. He could see John sitting at his kitchen table in his old apartment and writing them out while a baby Frances slept. A younger John with shorter hair, John had always said his dad used to make him cut it and he kept it short for a while after he’d moved out but eventually just let it grow out. He could imagine in coming to just above the bottoms of his ears when he started writing these. He pictured him younger, a more juvenile look to him, barely out of an EMT course at the time. His face younger, the only barely visible lines completely gone. John Laurens, practically a teenager with a daughter. And with that thought it hit Alex like a ton of bricks. John was only with him because Alex was the first guy to show interest. Alex was the first person he seriously dated, likely the first guy he kissed, the first guy he’d made out with, the first guy he had sex with. Could that even count as sex with a guy, sure Alex knew he was a guy, he was, but what if John had met another guy in class, what if they started talking, what if John realized that he didn’t really like Alex, he just hadn’t dated any other guys. They’d talked about it before, how Alex was his first relationship how he’d been a little inexperienced with romantics and dating. Alex hadn’t doubted it then, but now he looked at them and he just wanted John to be happy. Maybe that’s why he’d freaked out with Laf, he’d realized that there were other guys to kiss, other guys to. He didn’t want to think about that, didn’t want to even imagine it. Tears forming in his eyes, he set down the notebook, it was about Frances yet somehow every time he read it his mind drifted back. So he took a break from reading. 

It was Friday and Frances had a sleepover birthday party she was going to for one of the girls in her class. The mom came by with Frances to pick up the backpack she’d made and her sleeping bag. 

“You must be Frances mother.” She said, holding out a hand and Alex cringed. 

“No, I’m her father actually, well one of her father's.”

“Oh, yes. Sorry about that.” She’d sighed. “I’m sorry to say this but have you been to the doctor recently?”

“Last week actually.” 

“It just doesn’t look healthy to be caring that much weight on your stomach. Honey you look pregnant” 

“Well, I mean I am pregnant.” At this point he didn’t even care, the woman was going to judge him either way. She’d laughed though, a shrill piercing sound. 

“That’s real funny sweetie.” Frances came bounding back down the stairs carrying her back and sleeping bag. 

“Bye Perè.” 

“Bye sweetheart, behave ok? And if you want to come home you can call and we’ll come pick you up.”

“I’ve know Perè, I’m not scared.” He smiled down at her as she headed out the door, the mom following. 

“You have my number?” She asked, and he nodded, knowing she had his, she had sent the invitations in a group message to the parents. 

“John will probably call tonight, she doesn’t stay away from home a lot.” She nods. The door closes and he has to psyically stop himself from slamming a fist against it. John will be home soon but Alex doesn’t really want to talk, doesn’t want to be reminded that he probably already regrets them getting married. He puts on a movie, but is lost more in thoughts than the plot line. 

John sits down next to him, when he gets home, pulling out one of the books from his bag. His hand moves to take Alex’s, thumb running lightly across the knuckles and Alex watches as he does it, his eyes still rooted to the page, and when he raises it to press a kiss to the back of his hand it’s almost like it’s instinct. Alex jerks it away suddenly and John loses his focus in the book, looking up at him. 

“You ok?” He doesn’t reply, just places it lightly on his stomach. John’s eyebrows scrunch together. “Alex, honey, are you ok?” He closes the book and turns to him. “Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me or….”

“Why did you marry me?” He finally says and John’s eyebrows crinkle ever closer.

“Because I love you, more than anything else.” Alex shakes his head.

“How do you know that?”

“I just do, Alex, what’s wrong, did something happen?” 

“I...I…” He can feel the tears start to fall. “How do you know you’re not going to find someone else, some other guy…”John takes his face gently in his hands.

“Alex, babe, I love you, I love you so goddamn much, you have no idea how much I love you. I’m not going to leave you, not now, not ever.” 

“How do you know, what if….”

“Alex, I promise, ok? I promise I’m always going to be right here.” He wipes at the tears with a pad of his thumb. “I’m not going anywhere.” Alex nods and John kisses his forehead, would normally wrap him up in his arms, but he’s scared to jostle him around at all. John moves a hand to rest gently on his stomach. 

“Hormones.” Alex finally hiccups out, in a half sob. “I’m sorry.” 

“I know honey, it’s ok, it’s normal.”

“I don’t like it, I just want it to be over.” 

“I know, I know.” He moves the book to the coffee table and repositions Alex so that he’s lying on his side with his head in John’s lap and John’s running fingers through his hair with one hand the other is moving knuckles up and down his back. 

“And the mom who picked Frances up asked if I was her mom, and I just..” He trails off and John’s knuckles press just a bit harder, working out the knots. 

“I’m sorry.” John says. “I’m sorry I put you through this.” Alex shakes his head.

“Don’t argue with me on this, it’s not your fault.” John doesn’t argue, he just keeps massaging the knots out of his shoulders, and listens as he talks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote the majority of this late last night, so it's kind of a mess. Going to Chicago Pride today, is excite! As always comments are highly appreciated and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have any requests or just want to chat.


	14. Chapter 14

Fall turns to winter, and his second trimester passes without much event. Doctors appointments every few weeks have become normal, and the midwife caught on quick, Alex’s pronouns weren’t slipped up after the first visit. Frances has been doing well in school, spends the days Alex has appointments on the weekend at a friend’s house or with Eliza. Everyone else seems to think the name was still up for debate and Alexander held firm on his commitment to not find out the gender. 

“You should name the baby Philip.” Frances said one night when Alex was reading her sleeping beauty, it was the same name as the prince and Alex had smiled before he’d felt a kick, a rather obvious one, John was sitting next to him, all of them stretched out on Frances bed. He took his hand and moved it to rest on the spot that the kicks landed and he’d heard John’s breath hitch. That’s how the name had been introduced, and it had stuck, even if it ended up being a little girl, it’d likely be a variation of the name. 

It was Mid-December and the house was filled with gifts, most were meant as bribes from Lafayette even after Alex had made it clear that there was no way that they were subjecting his kid to a name like Gilbert. On this particular morning a larger box had been delivered and the men moving it had actually moved into the living room for him. He just let himself wait in the kitchen, not really comfortable with people in the house he hardly left, let alone people seeing him, and while the man who had tipped his cap and said “Have a nice day Ma’am.” Had good intentions, he still wanted to punch him. He’d torn into the box with a pair of scissors, finding the instructions situated on top, they were detailed, very confusing, but from what Alex could gather the final project would be a conjoined crib and changing table. John was at class, he likely should wait for him before attempting it, at this point walking was becoming a challenge, it was hell getting up and down the stairs, and he’d shifted most of his office into the living room so that he could work. He decided to leave, for now atleast, but by noon he’d grown bored and the articles couldn’t hold his attention any longer so he started pulling pieces out. 

By the time John got home he’d barely had the base done, and he was sitting on the floor in the middle of the living room, cursing under his breath, and pieces of it spread out around him. 

“Alex? What are you doing?” He asked as Frances headed into the kitchen, Lafayette would be here shortly for her French lesson. 

“Trying to put this fucking thing together!” He shouted, and Frances jumped startled. 

“Alex!” John yelled and he went bright red.

“Sorry, Frances, don’t listen to me.” John crossed the room, seeing the frustration on his face as he crouches down in front of him.

“You doing ok?” Alex shakes his head. 

“I was just trying to get it put together, but I can’t even do that.” 

“Alex, honey, thank god you didn’t get it put together, we’d never get it up the stairs. When Laf gets here we’ll take the whole box up there and we can work on it while Frances has her lesson, ok?” He nods and John helps him to his feet, wobbly as ever, and his center of gravity all weird.

“I’ll make Frances a snack, can you get everything back in the box?” John nods and Alex kisses his cheek. 

Lafayette arrives, hugs Alex, sticking his tongue out at John and then looks down at Alex’s stomach. 

“How is little Gilbert doing today.” 

“I already told you there is no way I am subjecting my child to a name like that.” 

“That’s my name.” 

“I am well aware.” Laf sighs heavily.

“I suppose it can only handle so much, with the Hamilton name they’ll already have to fill your shoes, imagine them trying to fill both of ours.”

“And John’s.” 

“Yes, I suppose, and your husbands’, though those can’t be that big.” 

“Love you too Laf!” John shouts from the living room. “Now get in here and help me carry this thing upstairs.” As soon as he leaves Alex turns to Frances. 

“Remember, the name is a secret.” She nods, holding a finger up to her lips. “We’ll tell them after they’re born.” Alex grins, and kisses the top of her head as she reads through a French picture book. Lafayette returns a few minutes later and John takes Alex by the hand to lead him up the stairs. Together they get it put together in a little over an hour, adding the mattress and the padding to the changing station. John moves it to the wall parallel to their bed and just a few steps away from it. 

“Kind of funny considering we already ordered the sidecar crib.” John says. 

“We can use this one when they’re older, and it converts into a toddler bed and a regular bed.” Alex says and John raises an eyebrow.

“After the shit we went through to get that thing put together.” Alex laughs and kisses him, taking his hand. 

“It’s kind of surreal, month and half and I’m gonna have a baby.” John rubs his knuckles up and down his back. 

“It’s exciting, you scared?” Alex nods. 

“Nervous about actually having the kid, obviously, but also….” He pauses for a moment and leans into John’s touch. “John? What if I fuck them up?” 

“You won’t, and I’ll be here to help, it won’t just be you if they do, but I’m sure they’ll be just as amazing as you are.”

“And with your dashing good looks.” 

“Exactly.” John kisses his temple. “Everything’s gonna be fine.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!!! Also, major time skip just happened because I was worried things were already kind of getting stagnant. The name has been revealed, though it was fairly obvious from the beginning I suppose. Alrighty, that's it. my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com and feel free to drop a comment if you would like (they are my favorites). Hope you all had a safe and fun week without any updates.


	15. Chapter 15

January 19th is a Thursday and John’s got class. The night before is spent with him in a nervous flutter, making sure the bags are packed, that everything is right by the door, he waits for Angie and Peggy to get there in the morning as well, making him more than likely late for class. Alex’s anxiousness doesn’t show as obviously as John’s, rather is shows in his fidgety sleep, John’s arms wrapped gently around him, knowing he wasn’t asleep but also knowing if Alex wanted to talk he would, knew that if he brought it up he’d just deny it, so he just reminded him he was there, rubbing his hand gently over the stretched skin of his stomach when he felt the baby’s movements against his palms, and Alex’s hands tightened their gentle grip on his arm. 

They spend Thursday on pins and needles, John’s phone on the whole day, every notification having him ready to dart out the door. The professor asks to speak to him after one of his classes.

“Son, I can’t have distractions in my class, you’ve been doing well but the phone needs to stay on silent or you need to leave the room.” John nods. 

“Sorry, it’s just, well, my partner’s pregnant and the due date’s today…” His eyes go wide and he shakes his head, smiling. 

“It’s quite alright, I understand. I’ve got three daughters.” 

He gets home that night, picking Frances up from school on his way. Alex is reading in the living room, feet propped up on the ottoman, Peggy perched on the arm of the chair, Angie’s in the kitchen, frying peppers if the smell is anything to go by. 

“No baby?” Frances asks, somewhat disappointed and runs over to Alex, sitting next to him and laying her head against his stomach. 

“Not yet honey, soon though.” 

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He kisses her forehead and tells her to go start on her homework since Lafayette will be there soon. 

The weekend rolls around, snow starts to fall and John gets even more anxious, he makes sure the phones are charged and Lafayette even comes over that Sunday, dragging Hercules with him, the two are unreasonably affectionate with each other as Alex leans gently into John’s chest. Alex falls asleep like that, for a while at least, until John has to get up to put Frances to bed, and he’s gentle, trying not to wake him up, but he still ends up opening his eyes groggily. 

“I’ll bring down pillows and blankets, you can sleep on the couch, I’ll take the floor ok?” Alex shakes his head and Laf and Hercules head out, Lafayette dropping a kiss onto Alex’s forehead and spinning Frances around, her giggling the whole time before John takes her upstairs to bed. The ascent to the bedroom is slow, he can’t even call most of his mobility walking, it's more of waddling around. He’s out as soon as he gets the pillow’s situated, one between his knees and one tucked under his stomach. 

He wakes to a jolt of pain in his lower abdomen, and his knees curl up and inward for a moment, trying to curl in around the pain as he tucks his neck in, it doesn’t last long, 15 seconds at the most but it leaves him gasping for breath. John’s asleep next to him, he doesn’t wake him up, not yet, they said this could last up to 12 hours, before he had to go the hospital, might as well let him get some sleep, he rolls over onto his side so that he’s facing him and takes his hand gently. At most he’s got 20 minutes before the next one hits. The time goes faster than he’d imagined, and it’s a stronger more defined pain than the first one when he hadn’t even been fully lucid. He grabs John’s hand on instinct and by the time this one passes again and he’s catching his breath John is awake, stroking the hair out of his face. 

“Good news, looks like labor finally started.” Alex says, gripping his hand a bit tighter. “Bad news, I’ve still got a lot of hours of this left.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's short. Probs not gonna get super graphic in the next chapter(s?), but I'm not entirely sure. Comments are my favorites and if you have any requests my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	16. Chapter 16

The contractions are short, with about 20 minutes between them. Alex takes to pacing around the loft, and John feels so utterly helpless as Alex breathes through them, holding onto the bed or changing table for support, the sidecar has already been set up, but they haven’t attached it to the bed yet. His hand curled around John’s arm again.

“Big breath.” John said, taking one himself, the stopwatch in his hand counting until Alex’s hand slackened, 34 seconds. “I’m going to go grab the heating pad and we can see if it’ll help you get some sleep, otherwise you’re in for a long night.” Alex nods, and John kisses his forehead.

While he’s downstairs he continues to pace, it eases the ache at his lower back and the tension in his hips. John takes his hand and leads him back towards the bed, wrapping the heating pad around his lower back when he lays back down and massaging his back, another hits then, but Alex seems to take it better. The midwife had told them not to come in until contractions were over a minute long and happening every 3-5 minutes, that it would be several hours between them starting and them needing to come in.

Alex eventually drifts off again, though John sees him tense up every once in awhile, but he doesn’t wake up again until much later into the night. John on the other hand can’t even think about sleep, would be up and double checking everything if it weren't for the fact that when he moved away from Alex he seemed to tense up more. So John stayed next to him, one hand rubbing at his back and occasionally pressing kisses to his neck or temple. He wakes up about a half hour before John’s alarm goes off, a hand firmly on the underside of his stomach. When it passes, he’s once again trying to catch his breath and John’s there, when he takes his hand.

“Go get Frances ready, I need to move around.”

“Ok, do you want me to start a bath for you?” Alex nods and John helps him to his feet before heading into the bathroom. He runs the water until it's warm, but not too hot, and then they wait as it fills up.

“I’ll be fine, got get her ready.”

“Don’t try to get in until I get back up here.” Alex rolls his eyes, but another jolt of pain racked through him and he’s gripping the edge of the sink, John coaching him through it so that he doesn't forget to breathe.

“I’ll be right back.” He says a moment after it ends, pressing his lips to the back of Alex's hand. He’s quick as he pulls out clothes for the day, laying them, folded, onto the chair before shaking her gently awake.

“Hey honey, it's time to get up.” Her eyes open slowly and she blinks away the sleep.

“Morning Daddy.”

“Morning, get dressed I’m going to go get breakfast made and pack your lunch.” She nods and John hurries downstairs to put the waffles in the toaster, sausage in the microwave and put the various foods he’d bagged the night before for her lunches over the week into the lunchbox.

Alex is pacing around the bedroom again, the bathtub still not filled and John still downstairs, he can hear him in the kitchen, the microwave beeping, toaster popping. He’s leaning forward bracing himself over the bed, knowing another contraction is bound to hit any minute now, John’s been gone about 15 minutes already. “Père, what are you doing?” He turns his head to look at Frances standing in the doorway the second it hits and he’s trying to take a deep breath but Frances is yelling and running back down the stairs before he can stop her.

“DADDY! Père’s hurt, you have to help him!” She’s in the kitchen, yelling at her father and he can practically see her dragging him up the steps. He makes it through that one alright, taking long deep breaths when it’s passed. Frances reaches the top of the steps with John in tow a few seconds afterwards and she runs over to him.

“I’m alright sweetheart, it's just the baby saying they’re ready.” It doesn't take much to calm her back down as John calls Eliza to see if she can take Frances to school this morning, but she isn't answering.

“You can go, I’ll be fine for an hour.”

“Alex, I am not leaving you alone.” Frances is sitting in the kitchen eating her waffles, and John can see her from the loft.

“I’ll call Laf and he can stay with me.” John shakes his head again but dials Lafayette anyway, more so that he or Hercules can take Frances. Hercules agrees to take her, even though she'll be a little late for school and John calls into her teacher, offering a quick excuse so that she doesn't get a tardy mark.

Hercules picks her up in a big bear hug when he gets there and she giggles when he puts her on his shoulders. They leave with a quick good-bye and Lafayette heads upstairs, not bothering to wait for John as he puts the dishes in the sink. When he does get up there Lafayette is turning off the water in the bathroom and Alex is pulling off his shirt. John helps him out of his pants wrapping a thin towel around his waist before taking off his underwear and helping him ease himself into the water. Folding his arms on the edge of the tub and laying his head on them. John stroking his hair back out of his face and pulling it into a loose ponytail.

“Do you want to eat something?” He nods.

“Just toast or something like that.”

“Do you want me to get you some apple juice too, or just water?”

“Just water.” John’s about to go downstairs when he grabs his hand in another tight grip and he can feel him shaking.

“In, you got it Alex, breathe honey, breathe.” Lafayette takes his place, when he gets up to go get the stuff from the kitchen. He’s waiting for the toaster to pop when Lafayette suddenly shouts.

“JOHN!” And he’s taking the steps two at a time, racing up to the room and in the bathroom in a moment.

“What’s wrong, what happened?” “I'm fine, Lafayette is paranoid.”

“He’s bleeding.”

“It’s normal, for the last time, a little bit of blood is normal.” Lafayette’s looking at him, slightly panicked, and John’s heartbeat settles back down to normal but he noticed the pink marks on the towel that must have worried him.

“Look, I don't want to get into the technicalities but I promise I’m mostly fine.”

“Mostly fine?” Lafayette says.

“Yes mostly, I’m going to have a fucking baby sometime in the next 12 hours.” The words are sharp and Lafayette laughs.

“See, now I know you’re fine.” He stands. “I’ll go get the stuff from the kitchen, you can stay up here.”

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Alex shouts as Lafayette leaves him and John alone and John raises an eyebrow. “I don’t.”

“I know you don't, we’re just worried about you.” He leans forward into the side of the tub, burying his face in his arms, fingers curling and uncurling into a fist.

“Alex honey, you have to breathe through these.” John moves a hand to either side of his face.

“Breathe in, hold it, and out.” It passes, but he’s still shaking.

“God, those fucking hurt.” John kisses his forehead and grabs a washcloth from the counter, drenching in cold water from the sink before placing it over the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry, I wish there was something I could do.” Alex squeezes his hand lightly. “You’re doing the best you can, there's nothing to do but be here and I love you for it.”

“I’ve gotta go grab the stopwatch.” Alex nods and lets go of his hand. He can see him the whole time, the stopwatch was just sitting on the nightstand and he’s back a moment later. Sitting with his back against the side of the tub, head turned so that he can see Alex’s face. Lafayette comes back then, 2 plates in his hands several water bottles under his arms.

“Made you a sandwich because I know you won’t eat.” He says to John and hands Alex the other one, with two pieces of toast. He takes one with a still slightly shaky hand. He takes small bites, chews slowly. The next contraction hits him again before he’s halfway through and they time it, 42 seconds. He resets the stopwatch and it’s a waiting game. 13 minutes and 12 seconds between that one and the next one.

“When are we going to the hospital, aren’t we supposed to take him in?” Lafayette says and Alex shakes his head.

“Have to wait till they’re closer together and longer.” Alex says.

“Right now I just have to wait it out until then.” Lafayette’s about to say something else when they hear the front door close and Hercules shouts that he’s back, and Lafayette yells that they’re upstairs. His footsteps are heavy on the steps as he climbs them and he's sticking his head into the bathroom a moment later, sitting down next to Lafayette and wrapping an arm around his back. The two manage to keep the conversation light hearted, cracking jokes and doing their best to keep Alex from focusing on the pain. They talk about Frances and how she's doing with the French, how she’s been making clothes for her dolls and Hercules offers to teach her how to make patterns and use a sewing machine, he works at a store that does custom suits and dresses and he’s one of the designers. Lafayette still attempts to weasel his name in.

“Gilbert. I’m telling you, with a name like that, that kid will be a trend setter.”

“No.” Alex says, groaning out of annoyance rather than pain.

“What about Yves?”

“Fuck no.” “Wait, what is your actual full name?” John asks, and with a slight grin from Lafayette, the other three recite it in unison.

“Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de LaFayette.” “Or as some call me the Marquis de LaFayette” He says with finality, looking very pleased himself as John rolls his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 90% of his was written while waiting for the children I babysit to wake up from my phone. My tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com and comments are always appreciated.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should be noted that I have no idea how hospitals actually work.

They’re getting closer together together, lasting longer, and from the way Alex is reacting they seem to be getting more intense. It's around 1 in the afternoon when they leave for the hospital, shortly after his water actually breaks, contrary to popular belief and movie logic it’s not normally the first sign of labor and it definitely doesn't mean the baby will be there in a few minutes, they still have several hours. 

They take Lafayette’s car, their bags already in the trunk, the car seat not yet set up but stowed safely in the trunk. Alex sitting in the back with John, eyes squeezed tightly and trying to breathe, clutching his hand in a death grip during the contractions. John had managed to help him pull on a pair of loose fitting sweatpants and a t-shirt that barely fit. John had called the hospital earlier in the day and they’d have a room set up when they got there. 

Alex is sat down in a wheelchair when they get there, John following behind him. He changes into a hospital gown and is helped onto the bed. One of the nurses tells Lafayette and Hercules that they won’t be allowed to stay in the room. 

“We’ll wait in the lobby, ok?” Lafayette says, dropping a kiss to his forehead and Alex nods. 

“You don’t have to stay, I know you had work last night.” Lafayette waves it off. 

“You can even have Eliza bring Frances here and she can wait with us if you want her to meet Gilbert 2 as soon as they're born.” 

“Get out.” Alex says, his laugh cut off by another stab of pain that leaves him breathless and gripping the sheets with white knuckles.  

The two leave, John had brought a couple of the journals with them, and is reading aloud to Alex between the contractions, trying to help him keep his mind off of them, it doesn’t work as well as he hopes but Alex pretends like it does, humors him because he’s doing what he can and Alex is happy with just that. 

Hours pass and Alex hates it, hates the way that people keep poking around between his legs, he knows that it’s their job, that they have to, but it doesn’t make him hate it any less, though the pain takes away from him focussing on that. While Alex hates those things, he loves John, who doesn’t say or do a thing against him, doesn’t retort when Alex shouts at him, just lets him squeeze his hand in a grip that could probably break fingers. They finally tell him he can push, and he’s felt like he was supposed to for the last hour but they kept saying no, that they had to wait, so he had waited, much to his annoyance, and now it was time. He can feel it all, the contractions a thousand times worse than they were earlier in the day, can feel himself being stretched and he wants to cry but he doesn’t.

“I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t…” He says, And John is standing over him.

“Yes, you can honey, you can do it. I’m right here and it’s gonna be over soon you just have to listen to the doctor.” 

“I wish I’d gotten the drugs.” He mutters and John smiles. 

“See, you’re cracking jokes. I t's gonna be alright, you got this Alex. I know you can do it." He manages to nod, trying find something to grip with his free hand as another hits hard and he’s told to push again.

* * *

 

He hasn’t cried, not once through the whole ordeal, sure he’d cussed and gripped John’s hand harder than he ever had before, and shouted and said that he was never doing this again. John wants it to be over just as much as he does, wants to hold their baby in his arms and kiss it’s head and watch Alex hold it in a tight bundle against his chest. He’s not screaming, not quite, though the sound somewhere between a scream and a whimper. The doctor’s somewhat anxious look not in the least bit reassuring as he tells him it’s the last one. He finally relaxes, his whole body going limp.

There isn’t a sound in the room except for Alex’s heavy breathing, the doctor clamps the umbilical cord in two sections and John is pushed back by one of the nurses as he tries to approach them. 

“What’s going on, what happened?” No one answers him, the cord is cut and the doctor passes the baby, that he still hasn’t had a real look at, to a nurse and he’s whisked away, the doctor following. John finds himself standing in the doorway watching as they race down the hall.. 

“No.” It’s soft and broken and John can feel his own heart shatter with Alex’s one word. The man usually so full of words, and that's the only one he can manage. “No, no, no, no..” Tears are pouring down his face, only one of the nurses is left, tells him he has to push again to deliver the placenta and he does as he’s told and John has never seen him look more defeated in his life. 

He crosses the room and Alex is pulling him down so that he can bury his face in John’s shirt. “No, no, no…” The word echoing in his throat. John’s just trying to hold him as tightly as he can without actually hurting him, tears running down his own face. Alex’s fingers curling and uncurling into the fabric on the back of his shirt. John stroking his hair back and pressing his lips to the top of his head. The nurses assistant is helping to clean Alex up but it barely registers to the two of them. By the time the nurse and her assistant leave, the doctors and nurses still haven’t told them a damn thing, and John wants nothing more than some sort of information to know what’s going on, to know something for certain because at least then it’s not just more waiting, at least then it’s not this limbo where he’s terrified to even hope. There’s a soft knock and Lafayette comes in, the moment his eyes fall on Alex he’s crossing the room and pulling them both into his arms, Alex still sobbing, the cries catching in his throat. 

“ **Qu'est-il arrivé** **?** ” ((What happened?)) He asks. 

“We don’t know, they didn’t say anything, they just took him and ran out, and something happened and, and, and…” Alex trails off, his words ending in a stuttered crash. No one tries to shush him. 

They wait, and it’s less than an hour but it feels like several have passed, Alex holding them both in a death grip, until finally a nurse steps back in, a little bundle of blue blankets in her arms. The doctor following her. Alex is holding his breath, waiting for bad news, but there’s none, and as the nurse places the bundle into his arms the tears shift, and he’s smiling like there’s nothing better in the world than those tiny brown eyes that are blinking up at him. 

“The time of birth was 3:54 PM, he weighed 7 pounds exactly….” The doctor it talking but it barely registers. Lafayette is laughing and takes off down the hall, returning moments later with Hercules and Frances, who John picks up and sets on the bed next to Alex so that she can see him. The nurse explains that there had been a fluid build-up in his lungs, that he hadn’t been breathing, that was why they’d rushed him out of there at first without any information.

There is no further question about the state of his lungs, as he gives them a test ride, screaming loudly until the bottle is pressed to his cheek and he roots around until he finds it. Holding Philip, is exactly the same as holding Frances, but at the same time so much different, with Alex and Frances, Hercules and Lafayette around it feels so much more secure. 

“Can I hold him?” Frances asks from where she’s sitting and John casts a glance at Alex who nods slightly. He places the tiny bundle gently into her arms after he shows her how to hold him properly, sup

“Hi Philip.” She says, rocking him gently. “You look weird, but I’m gonna be the best big sister ever.” Alex laughs at that and kisses her on the top of the head. He’s exhausted, the long hours he’d just gone through hitting him like a brick and John takes Philip back into his arms, taking the bottle back when it's reintroduced, and making a slight noise as Lafayette kisses the top of his tiny head. 

Philip follows his father’s lead, falling asleep shortly after he’s finished eating, Alex had picked at some of the food brought up to him, they’ll be released in a few hours, and promptly fallen asleep. John’s placed Philip in the little crib that the nurses had brought in John lets himself drift off in his own chair as well while Hercules is helping Frances with her homework and Lafayette stands over Philip’s crib like a hawk and everything feels alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I really wanted to split this up into two chapter and make this a cliff hanger but I'm not a monster. So I'll leave you with that knowledge, probably going to continue this for a bit longer, there will likely be some one-shots in this series in the future that will not be in the actual story but will be posted. This is not over, I've still got some more chapters up my sleeve.   
> Want to request something specific? My tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com , it can be in this universe or a different one, but I will do my best. As always comments are my lifeblood and I will be eternally grateful for them.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title Change!!!

Alex and Philip spend a little over 48 hours in the hospital, Angie and Peggy house-sit and get Frances to and from school and keep an eye on her at home with Eliza. Angelica is more than happy to spend the time catching up with her sister after school while they help Frances with her homework. John comes home to check on Frances and the others the first night, mostly because he was entirely too fidgety for Alex to deal with when he was worrying about Frances.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“John, I’ll be fine for a couple hours, go home, check on Frances, stay the night if you some sleep.” He hadn’t spent the night, had gotten Frances ready for bed and tucked her in that evening but was back at the hospital later in the evening. 

They’re released late in the evening and when they get home Frances is already asleep, Peggy has flung herself face down on the floor of the living room, starfish style, scrolling through social media on her phone. Angie is on the couch, laptop balancing on her knees, however it’s abandoned on the couch the minute the door opens. She’s in front of the door in an instant, taking the carrier from John before either can say a word, setting it on the kitchen table and unclipping him from the seat, the little blue onesie  a tiny bit big on him, and little mitts on his hands. She eases him out of it gently, and he makes the slightest noise as he’s lifted out, a tiny coo and Angie is grinning even more. She doesn’t need to be told how to hold him, knows from the years she spent babysitting as a teenager. 

“What name did you end up picking?” She asks as Peggy comes in.

“Philip.” Alex reaches out and Angie makes a pouty face before passing him gently into his father’s waiting arms. 

“He’s so tiny.” Peggy says, scrunching up her nose, and Angie smacks her arm lightly. “What? It’s true.” Lafayette and Hercules come in then, carrying the backpack and suitcase John had packed for them. 

“We’ll get out of your hair, you three get some sleep.” Angie says, kissing Alex and John each on the cheek and running a hand gently over Philip’s hatted head.

“Didn’t they sleep at the hospital?” Peggy asks. 

“Sleeping in the hospital is not restful sleep.”Angie says, running to grab her laptop. “ I’ll be here to take Frances in the morning.” She adds, as she and Peggy head out the door. Hercules following them, but waiting in the doorway until Lafayette has tucked the binder full of mac and cheese recipes under his arm.

“I will be taking back my trophy.” He says. “Now that you no longer need it. When he comes to have sleepovers with my future children, he shall be called Gilbert jr.” He says, following Hercules out the door with a half cackle. The second the door closes Alex’s head is pressed against John’s shoulder. 

“So tired.” 

“I know, let’s get you two up to bed.” 

John makes a bottle before going up, there's an extra container of formula upstairs already, along with bottled water and baby bottles, but if he’s down there he might as well and it’s been a little over 2 hours since he’d last eaten. They stop in Frances’ room to check on her before heading up the rest of the way. John takes Philip while Alex changes into his pajamas and brushes his teeth, sitting on the edge of the bed, cradling him in one arm, the bottle in the other. Alex sits down next to them, puts his hand near Philip’s and lets him grasp at a finger. John sees him smile out of the corner of his eye as he drops his head onto his shoulder. 

“Go lay down, I’ll make sure he gets to sleep.” John says, kissing his temple. He doesn’t move though, just sits there with them until the bottle is mostly empty and Philip is asleep. John moves to set him into the crib before changing and brushing his teeth. Climbing in next to where Alex is lying down, his hand right next to Philip, thumb brushing gently over the baby’s chest. 

“He’s so little, I mean I knew babies were small and I’ve seen them before, but he’s just so tiny, and fragile.” John chuckles, kissing the back of his neck and draping an arm around him. 

“I know, it’s crazy.” He sighs lightly. “Let’s get some sleep, we both know he’s not going to sleep through the night and we could atleast get a couple hours.” Alex nods and scooches a bit closer to John, but his hand stays where it’s at. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I played through the entirety of mirrors edge in a day, no regrets. Actually lots of regrets because I wish I'd taken my time, but I suppose it buffs because the game has decent replay value and the tie trials are fun. Anyway, hope you all had a good holiday weekend what with Steve Roger's birthday and all (yes I realize it's already Thursday but I've done nothing the last 4 days so it all kind of blurs together.) Comments are my favorite, and my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have any requests (I beg of you, please send me some if you want them. I promise, I don't bite and anon is on if you're feeling self conscious.)


	19. Epilogue

It’s no surprise that he doesn’t sleep through the night, John checks the diaper while Alex makes a fresh bottle. Every 2-3 hours for food seemed like a lot but Philip takes it happily, curling inward against his chest when it’s touched gently to his cheek. They had told him not to push it into his mouth and to instead touch it to his cheek and that he would turn his head towards it if he was hungry. They’d said it would help him develop some sort of skill but it was late and Alex couldn’t remember the specifics as he rocked him gently, head cradled in the crook of his arm. John seems to fall back asleep involuntarily, his head on Alex’s shoulder, when he moves to lay Philip back down after he’s gone back to sleep John follows him back under the covers, curling into his side, Alex following back to sleep within moments. 

He woke that morning to the smell of coffee, Philip had woken up 2 more times in the night but was still fast asleep at the moment when John came up the stairs holding a mug and Alex all but moaned when he passed it too him. He had missed this, missed the warmth and the permeating smell, and the way the mugs fit perfectly in his grasp, missed the way he knew it would make his veins sing. It tasted like bitter heaven, and he was grinning like an idiot when John pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“I’ve got class, but I can stay if you need me to.” Alex shook his head. “Text me if you need me, ok?” 

“I’ll be alright, I’ve got my coffee back.” He says and John kisses him on the mouth gently. 

“Seriously, let me know if you want me to come home.” It’s repetitive and Alex sighs. 

“I will.” John glances at the sleeping Philip, a smile tugging at his mouth, before he starts to get ready, putting on white button up and a pair of black slacks, and pulling his curly hair back into a ponytail. Philip wakes up shortly after John goes downstairs to make Frances breakfast, and Alex finishes the last of his coffee with a gulp before picking him up gently, his tiny fingers curl around around one of Alex’s before he sneezes and Alex grins at the tiny noise. They’d said sneezing a lot was normal as he was getting used to the world and the impurities in the air. 

He sleeps most of the morning, but is wide awake for a few hours that afternoon, and Alex places him on the mat they’d laid out in the living room so that he can lie on his stomach for a bit, while Alex hovered in front of him, and he seems to enjoy it. Alex decides that Lafayette probably went overboard with buying both a bassinet and the crib/changing table, but is no less grateful for it when Philip conks out around 2:30, and he can take him up to his office to sleep while he writes. He manages to get through about half an article when Eliza gets there with Frances.

Frances races up the stairs to the office, and Philip jolts awake when she comes through the door, it hits the wall making a sharp noise and he’s curled his arms and legs in, eyes squeezing tightly shut as he starts to cry. Frances’ eyes go wide, and Alex picks him up, a hand supporting his head as he presses the baby gently against his chest. 

“Shhh, honey it’s ok, it’s just a noise.” He looks over to Frances who herself looks on the verge of tears and uses a hand to gesture her over. “Cheri, it’s ok, he just got freaked out by the loud noise.” It only takes a few moments to calm him down. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake him up.” She says, her lip quivering slightly. 

“It’s ok, just be a little careful next time.” She nods as he stands, and wraps her in a one armed hug. He holds Philip with both hands as they go down the stairs. “You want to hold him while I make you a snack?” He asks, and she nods again, 

He has her wash her hands and sit down before easing him gently into her arms, Philip blinks up at her and she’s watching his face. Alex watches from the corner of his eye as he slices an apple up for her as she talks to the newborn, her voice soft and gentle. He squirms slightly and he sees her tense for a moment, and he’s ready to cross the room as soon as something goes wrong, but it doesn’t and she breathes out slowly.  He finishes slicing up the apple and scoops out a bit of peanut butter to go with them and gets a yogurt drink from the fridge before setting it on the table and takes Philip back into his arms, he’s rubbing at his face slightly, still tired after being woken up from his nap and he falls asleep after a few minutes of light swaying. 

When Frances finishes her snack they all go back up to the office and Frances lies on the floor and works on her homework while Alex works on his articles and Philip sleeps peacefully after a diaper check. It’s not quite time for a bottle and if he’s content sleeping for now Alex is fairly certain he’ll make it known when he’s hungry. 

John passes up the office on his first time up, only checking when he finds the bedroom empty. Frances is coloring on the floor, crayons all neatly in the box and Alex reading over a paragraph, one hand on the side of the bassinet, rocking it gently. He glances behind him when the door opens as John crosses the room. Alex leans up to kiss him, a smile on his lips as John does. 

“You feeling better?”

“Yeah, still kind of achey everywhere, but it’s mostly gone. You already know about the other stuff.” John nods, no need to get graphic, not when Frances is sitting there. “Can’t wait for my stomach to start looking normal again.” He still looked pregnant, not 9 months ready to pop pregnant, but he looked about 6 months pregnant. The doctor had said it’d go back within a couple of weeks, that he might still have some of the weight he put on but he would looking back to himself shortly, and that was nothing some regular exercise couldn’t take care of. He was allowed to go back on T once his period had returned properly, which would be in about 10 weeks, if he wasn’t breastfeeding, which wasn’t even an option. Roughly 3 months, that’s how long he had to wait. He was hoping it would pass quickly, but with Philip, he wanted to savor every minute of it. 

Philip was perfect, every bit of him perfect. They had Frances, and Alex loved her just as much, didn’t want to play favorites, didn’t want her to feel like less, because she wasn’t. She was just as perfect and amazing and wonderful, but Philip was his. He’d made him, literally, and it just seemed so strange that he could love him as much as he did already, when all he’d done is cry and sleep and eat, yet Alex looked at him and it was like looking at the sun. Alex didn’t want to project a future onto Philip, wanted him to live his own life, be his own person, but Alex knew that no matter what he did the kid was going to blow him away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that took so long to get out, I got sidetracked with a few other things. Comments are by far the best way to let me know you liked this and are greatly appreciated. My tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you're interested in some of my other stuff or you want to yell at me about not updating frequently enough.


	20. Authors Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important!

I have taken off chapters 20-25 and will be publishing them separetly but in the same series folder under different names. The whole thing past chapter 19 just felt very jumpy to me and didn't entirely fit how I wanted it to so I'm going to do that so do not worry that all those chapters have disappeared. I'm also contemplating working on a third somewhat larger part to this universe but nothing is set in stone at the moment. 


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